Messing with my Mind

My body is messing with my mind.

Or I guess I should say that the meds are making my body mess with my mind.

I have now been injecting the Progesterone shots for about 10 days and I guess it's fully entrenched in my system. I have every single side effect those meds are supposed to cause.

(Oh and if you are guy - and I think only about 2 guys read this - but you may want to avert your eyes or this post altogether. It's a woman thing, you wouldn't understand. No offense.)

Cramping? Check

Headache? Check

Dizziness? Check

Food cravings? Check.

Pain/swelling at the injection site (ie: lumps in my ass)? Check, check.

Sore boobs? Check, check, check, check check.

Awesome.

The terrible thing about it is that some of these (especially the boob thing) are also indicators of pregnancy. Fantastic. I just keep telling myself not to get excited about these symptoms for a couple of reasons. Number 1, it's a little early. Number 2, with everything I have injected/swallowed/patched into my system the last 3-4 weeks, it's no wonder that my body is having a breakdown.

But of course my insomniac brain can't help but surf the internet at night scouring for details about how you are supposed to feel post embroyo transfer (especially for those people who had positive pregnancy tests). The symptom that is irritating me the most mentally is this weird, dull ache I have to the left of my belly button, higher than where cramps usually are, and it feels like my stomach is stretching or something.

So I ran that little symptom by my best friend "Google" and found that some women experience that when implantation occurs and the uterus starts to stretch and grow to accompany the embroyo(s).

That didn't make me lose my mind at all.

I have never been so in tune with how my body feels as I am now. I guess it's exciting because it could possibly mean that my body is preparing for the M&M's. Or it could just be a massive overload of Progesterone, Estrogen, and Raw Emotions.

Of course, I am very familiar with how your body can play tricks on you. "Back in the day" when Matt & I were naively trying to get pregnant, every month I was convinced I had some sort of pregnancy symptom. Thus at the height of our conception trying, I probably took 3-4 pregnancy tests every month. Of course, at that point we had no idea that it would take a miracle for us to get pregnant on our own - but man, I wish I had that cash back. With that, and the money I spent on birth control. I probably could have paid for the invitro process by now.

And if I was worried that this process was going too smoothly, then we finally hit our first bump in the road on Monday. Turns out I am allergic to my estrogen tablets, Estrace. Call me slow, but it took me a full 4 doses to realize that my throat swelling and the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest were probably not normal. Oh yeah, and I lost some feeling in my right hand and couldn't make lunch because I literally couldn't grip anything.

That's when I called the nurse - apparently my breaking point on allergic reactions is when I can no longer shovel food in my mouth.

4 Benadryls and a 2 hour comatose nap later, by Monday evening I was much better and I haven't had a problem since. And luckily, since I have been prescribed estrogen through 2 different sources (the pill & a patch that goes on my abdomen), then I can just slap an extra patch on to get the meds I "need". While I am convinced that it was indeed the pill that almost caused an afternoon trip to the ER, I almost want to make doubly sure. I am almost tempted to take another one at the end of the week to see if it happens again.

I know. Stupid, right? Well, it just so happens that those Estrace pills were incredibly expensive and it was the one med that my insurance didn't cover a large amount of for whatever reason. So before I toss it in the trash, I guess I want to be thoroughly convinced. I shouldn't be surprised though - I was expecting to have an allergic reaction to at least one of these bad boys considering my track record with meds. There is not even enough room on those Doctor information forms anymore for me to write down all my allergies. So add estrogen tablets to the list. I guess hormone replacement therapy is out of the question for me when I go through "The Change".

Anyway, all this useless babble to really let you know that we might possibly know something Friday. Maybe.

I kinda wish she hadn't told me that because now I am in countdown mode to Friday. She did make the clarification that if she didn't see anything on Friday then it certainly doesn't mean all is lost. Some babies are just more stubborn than others about showing up in momma's blood levels. And that will only be barely 8 days post transfer - so pretty early still. I'm just going to try my best not to lose my mind by then.

I am also going to do my darndest to stay away from the Women's Health aisle at Walgreens and throw 1 or 8 pregnancy tests in my basket. EPT has gotten enough of my money.

An M&M Update and Prayer Request

Well, we've learned one thing through this process.

I am not a good bed rest patient.

I know.

It was surprising to me, too.

I enjoy afternoon naps or really naps of any kind, so I thought 3 days in bed sounded like pure delightful bliss.

Not so much. Turns out, I am not a very patient patient.

Quite the opposite. I was ready to get moving after 4 hours of lying on my back. I think it was just the fact that I was being told I couldn't do anything for myself and that lack of independence was especially frustrating. And for me mentally, when all you can do is lay there and watch whatever craziness is happening on "The Real Housewives" or think about what just happened within your body - well, you think a lot.

And you wonder. Is this really going to happen or am I just wasting my time with all of this? It's very frustrating not to technically feel sick or anything and then just "be still". Yuck. My personan definition of insanity.

Anyway, I made it through the 3 days - kind of cheated on day 3 by taking a shower, but Lord, I just needed to for my own personal good. That made a world of difference on Saturday and after a couple of rough days Thursday and Friday, to laugh and smile again yesterday just felt really good.

Overall, I feel kinda yuck to be honest. I don't know if it is all of the hormones making their way into my system (those fantastic progesterone oil shots - which by the way, suck as much as anticipated. I literally cringe when the clock turns 8:30pm and it's time to mix yet another one.) or if it is emotional stress - or a combination. But I am just exhausted, yet unable to sleep well - crampy, bloated, and every other adjective that would go along with your typical PMS-type symptoms.

And to make my body even more of a chemistry experiment gone bad, today we had the ultimate excitement of introducing more estrogen back into my system through the form of a pill 3x daily and a patch on my abdomen that will be changed out every 4th day.

(I have had a lot of questions about the meds, so in case you were wondering why all of this stuff? Basically now, the progesterone shots and the estrogen are designed to maintain the pregnancy, should one happen. When a spontaneous pregnancy occurs, usually your body is smart enough to produce adequate levels of these. However, during IVF your body doesn't know that it just got preggers until much later (like week 10 or so), so you have to take these additional measures.)

I know I sound kind of bitter about these meds. I don't really mean to. We are willing to do anything to get the M&M's here. But the fact remains - no.fun.at.all. But it is what is.

Anyway, I promised some pics, so here we go...

Here are a few pics from transfer day:

May I present to you the two little M&M's (full blasts)....

The embroyos (5 day transfer). Beautiful, right? :)

Oh, the sexy ways to make a baby. With my lucky socks on. (I wore them for the retrieval and that went well, so I decided to break them out for the transfer too.)

Look at that hottie. They let Matt come in with me but he had to get all space-aged suited out.

Our transfer day on Thursday turned out to be an even more emotional one than expected when we found out the shocking news that Matt's mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Obviously, we are both devestated by this news but we are encouraged by Barbara's fortitude and positive outlook. We don't know yet what stage or really the complete treatment path yet. What we do know is that God is holding her in the palm of His Hand and that He will continue to give her strength and love on her during this tough time.

I tell you this news in the hopes that you will add Barbara to your prayer list. Please pray that the testing this week will show the cancer at an early, more treatable stage, pray for the wisdom and grace of the doctors, pray for our family and friend's hearts to rally around her at this time, and pray for Barbara, that she will have peace, conviction to fight, and the strength to overcome. We love you.

Matt and his mom, Barbara

In His Mighty Hands,

Preggers Until Proven Otherwise...

So that's what they told me I am - PUPO (Preggers Until Proven Otherwise). I am not much for fertility acronyms but I thought that one was funny.

Or maybe that was the Valium.

Anyway, I am home now in my bed, laying down typing which is proving to be quite a challenge.

So this post will be short. Here are the stats:

7 out of 9 made it.

2 made it to full, beautiful blasts and the 5 others were "good" and potentially "great" tomorrow.

Dr. H said he will probably freeze all of them tomorrow b/c they all looked that great.

Praise God.

So the big question? How many did we put in?

After all of the meds, procedures, surgeries, etc - we did TWO. That was my Dr.'s recommendation as well. 1 is kinda risky, even as pretty as they looked :)

Statistic wise, we are looking at a 25-30% chance of twinkies and 75-80% chance that at least one will make it.

In the back of my mind, I just keep thinking of that 20-25% chance the neither will take. It's a sobering thought. But I am going to stay positive.

All I know is this next 2 weeks will be the looonnnnggggessttt of our lives.

Please keep praying for the little M&M's now firmly implanted in utero. Love you all and I will write a more detailed post later with pics of our little beautiful babies :)

Pre-Petri Placement

So I had a long, drawn out blog to write (which I am quite sure you will all be subjected to before the bed rest period is over) but for now, I simply say thank you.

I say thank you to my friends and family who have supported us in this incredibly long journey. Your hearts and hands of friendship are unmatched.

I say thank you for the people who until recently I had not kept in touch with over the years and have been generous enough to share their infertility struggles with me. You all have provided invaluable advice and I am so glad to be in touch.

I say thank you to the "lurkers" (meaning that word in the nicest way possible, I promise!!) who check out my blog and pray alongside us all. Your prayers are being heard.

Words cannot even describe how blessed I feel for us to be so loved on.

Thank you to those who have lifted us up daily in your prayers. Prayers do work and God does listen. I am proof positive of that (my other blog is all on that - so I will leave that as is for now)

For now I leave you one of my faves:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

That is my little prayer for our little embroyos, Petris, M&Ms, whatever you want to call them - hopefully our children. Tomorrow we start the first stage in letting God give them that hope and and a future.

I will post tomorrow on the transfer with all the fun stats you guys are dying to read about I'm sure. Fascinating to me --- to you, probably not so much :) But they're coming anyway.ha

In His Hands,

The Great Egg Hunt, Part III

Really? There's a part III of the Great Egg Hunt?

Well, yeah, in my book there is. Even with all the reading up and edu-macation I received prior to the retrieval, I still had tons of questions for the doc. What a shocker.

And there might even be a part IV. I'm not sure when I am going to transfer (ha - no pun intended!) from my Egg Hunt posts to my Petri placement posts. hmmmm... maybe soon.

Back to asking questions: I am certain that he and his nurse will be quite relieved when I get preggers and stop peppering them daily with questions.

But I also figure I've kind of earned the right to ask questions seeing as how I didn't just write them a check for a $25 copay & they got a negligible payment from our insurance company that probably barely covered their time. Nope, they got straight up cash - and for that much cash, you are going to listen to my questions! ha.

They've been wonderful though -- I really can't complain. When I called this morning (at 8:03am - knowing full well they had just opened at 8am), my very favorite receptionist Barbara answered. She happened to be working the day of my retrieval at the other location & saw us go in, so when I called, she knew I had already had everything done. When I told her the news about the fertilization, I swear she almost started crying she was so happy. That made me start crying, of course. In a good way. It's funny to me to think that an almost perfect stranger would be that hopeful for us -- and that thrilled that (so far) everything is working out to plan. Certainly a blessing.

Anyway, finally spoke to my nurse and reviewed my schedule - confirmed my 5 day transfer and the meds to start prior to. I was saddened to hear about the new shots, even though I knew full and well they were coming - maybe I was hoping for a last minute twist in the med plan since everything was going so well? ha. no. Dream big, Meg.

So, I started my progesterone in oil shot tonight. In my ass. It's a fun one, folks. Not only because it's a super thick formula so it takes about 5 minutes to get it fully in (ok, not 5 minutes but it's a loooonggg shot - or maybe that was just Matt's incredible nursing skills - love you, honey!), but also because well, it hurts. You have to massage it to make sure it gets all the way in. My nurse recommended at least a 30 minute butt massage to ensure that my ass doesn't get all lumped up with this medicine.

And if that isn't an incredibly attractive scenario, I don't know what is.

And who has time to lie there for 30 minutes and get their butt kneaded? Well, I may have the time, but I have no desire and no patience for such a thing. About 10 minutes in, I just told Matt to rub vigorously for 5 more minutes and then he would be freed. That boy leapt up like a dart at 4 minutes 59 seconds, muttering something about carpal tunnel.

I think he was just as excited to wrap up the "massage" as I was.

Oh, but the most awesome part of the progestrone shots??? If this does work and I do get preggers - these bad boys will be shot up daily until like week 9 or 10.

Come on??? Well, day 1 down. Perhaps only 62 to go. Small sacrifices. This child is already giving me a lumpy ass. I am sure that is the first of many changes to my body if I get pregnant so we'll deal.

The other news of the day:

My clinic doesn't do embroyo reports. Meaning I don't get a call every day letting me know how our little guys & gals are developing, if they are at all. I guess this would have been something important for me to know beforehand, but I don't know if I was so focused on retrieval that anything after that seemed so secondary - so I never asked.

Every clinic is different. Some do, some don't. My doctor is a firm believer in letting them be and grow without any daily disturbance.

Think of it this way: they are kind of baking at the moment. If you keep opening the oven, then you are going to disrupt that optimal baking temp and your souffle may fall (Note: I've never made a souffle in my life - but I've never made a baby either so maybe it's a good comparison).

So if my doc wants to leave them alone, we'll leave them alone. No daily grade reports, rating levels or anything else on our little ones. I am taking this is as a positive.

First, I don't have to wait on pins & needles all day waiting for "the call". Cause that's all I did last week and this past weekend and emotionally, it's a killer.

Secondly, I figure once these kiddos pop out, they are going to be judged/graded/scored for the rest of their lives. We'll let them start their first few days of conception in relative peace and harmony of not facing judgment from the cruel outside world.

Anyway, we'll find out Thursday morning (soon enough) how they all did and how many "made it" so to speak and at what levels.

So this is how I see Thursday now in my warped mind...

I see it kind of as a Christmas present. I've found the box before Christmas. I know that it says Banana Republic on it. I like to shop at Banana Republic. But I won't know until I open that box if I like what I actually got from Banana Republic. It could be beautiful and awe-inspiring. Or it could be last year's sock and sweater sale. Who knows.

I don't want to get my hopes up that we will have even 5 great ones. Even though deep in my heart I would love that. I know we only need 1 or 2 to make it work. But after all this, I really would like to have another shot at it just in case the pregnancy doesn't take so we don't have to start all over. But it's completely in God's hands.

And I leave you with this...I have a new "unfavorite" infertility statement that I have heard tossed around quite a bit as of late.

"It only takes one"

If one more person tells me that, I'm going to scream. I see the truth in that and I don't disagree. You're right. It only takes one. But going through all of this - you want more than ONE. Trust me.

Even the doctor on Saturday - when I asked him if he thought it sounded like I had enough eggs (statistically speaking), even he said, "well, it only takes one!". Chuckle chuckle.

No crap. It only takes one. It would have only taken one egg and one sperm for us to do this naturally and spontaneously. But that didn't work out for us too well.

And so ends my rant. I have consciously tried not to rant too much through this process because I know that most everyone is well-intentioned and their statements are certainly not meant to be hurtful or frustrating.

But when the doctor and nurse say it - well, I am just plain tired of hearing it!!! ha.

Thank you for allowing me to vent for a sec.

Y'all have a great Tuesday!

The Great Egg Hunt, Part II

Just got the call from the doctor.

Out of the 13, 10 were mature.

Out of those 10, NINE fertilized!

Day 5 Transfer set for Thursday morning.

Could not have asked for better news this morning based upon the reports yesterday.

One step at a time, but we are marching forward.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Hard to imagine that Matt and I may have our little babies laying in an incubator somewhere in a lab in H-town. Kind of blows my mind. Trying not to get too pumped up because I know statistically that not all of those are going to make it to be supermarket fresh Grade A's - but praying praying praying that at least a couple of them do.

Hurry up Thursday!

Love to you all.

The Great Egg Hunt '09, Part I

The Great Egg Hunt '09 commenced this morning @ 8am. I am exhausted and a little drugged up still, so I will make this relatively brief. After a semi freak-out last night and being completely stressed about the process (which prompted a 10pm call to my pastor for prayer), I woke up this morning completely at peace with the situation. Just totally gave it to God and it felt so good to turn over those reigns that I generally clutch onto way too tight.

This was probably the least anxious I have been about any procedure/surgery that I have ever had & what an amazing feeling! Both of my nurses were AWESOME and took amazing care of me, all while keeping the mood light. Couldn't have been better except the first nurse tried to start my IV and blew the vein causing some undue agony (but she was so sweet about it, so I wasn't upset at all) and she sent in her co-worker to get it started on my other hand. I do have to wonder why on earth does every hospital not do a little local when they start an IV like that?! I had that done a couple of times when I had prior surgeries and it made all the difference in the world!

(In other nurse news: Eleanor is outta there. I don't know many details - but I apparently was not the first or the last patient that experienced something similar. I generally never would wish unemployment on anyone, but she needs to be in a field where patients live's are not in her hands! The End. Bye bye Ellie.)

The only other thing that was slightly a bummer but turned out ok - my dr was actually on vacation. I think my nurse didn't want to tell me b/c she knows my tendency to freak out about little things. However, he left my case in the trusted hands of one of his colleagues & I found out yesterday so I had a chance to read up on him a little bit, ya know - just to make sure. Anyway, he was a honor undergrad student from Harvard and an honor med school grad from UT. Hook 'em. And he ended up being just as great - and quite funny, too.

Ok, so enough with the stories - they took me back, last thing I remember was saying, "Man, I am feeling that already" and it was zzzzzzzz time for Meg.

Woke up to find out very good news. 13 eggs retrieved as predicted. All looked healthy and most were of really good size, save for a couple that were on the slightly smaller end of the scale. But there were no "throwaways" as they call 'em and on first glance, appeared really really good.

So tomorrow we will get "the call" about how many have fertilized. I don't want to get my hopes up because I know anything can happen and perhaps none will fertilize. There is always that possibility. But deep in my heart, I am hoping and praying for at least 8-9 so we will have a good chance of several making it to blasts and maybe even having some to freeze just in case. But I know by talking to a lot of people that from 13, the numbers will just continue to drop and drop. That's just statistics of IVF.

Unless you are like my other friend who must be a superhero and after having a huge "Egg Hunt" had every swinging one of hers fertilize and was even able to freeze a large majority! That's pretty incredible but I know it is also rare. I have a little case of egg envy of her :) ha.

But all in all, God was great today. I was in quite a bit of pain earlier but am starting to feel better - and thank goodness b/c LSU vs Florida starts in less than an hour and I need to get my game face on. Suffice it to say that I won't be leaping about and yelling as is my normal gametime antics - but I will be conscious for it. I think actually Matt is sort of glad I am partially under the influence b/c I think I actually embarrass him most of the time with my rants. Blame it on genetics. I got the obnoxiousness from my Dad. Can't help it.

So anyway, we will wait for tomorrow and "the call" & I will give you guys an update. Thank you for your prayers. They are being heard. The complete and total peace I experienced today is the obvious example of that. Will you join me in praying tonight as our little embroyos come together to make hopefully what will be part of our future Clanahan fam?

Love & prayers to you all,