I can see it in your eyes

I thought my post this weekend would be a quick wrap up of Q's 6 month cardiology appointment and my wrap up of the Brothers of the Sun tour which I've had tickets to for a good 5 months... but not so much. As many of you know, I get particularly anxious before any cardio work up, not because I think there's something wrong --- but heart babies are deceptive AND it just brings up a lot of the anxiety we felt about 10 months ago. Hard to believe it's been over 10 months since her initial surgery.. in some ways it feels like years. Yet, certain things can trigger memories which brings me back to those dark days in just an instant.

This has been one of those weeks. I have had a rotating fever since Sunday without really any other symptoms except a slightly runny nose and malaise. But it's been enough to just make me feel yucky, my mature word for the day. And it's still knocking me flat for the most party. At any rate, on Wednesday I started to notice a funny look in Q's eyes too and immediately went to the medicine cabinet to check on our tylenol and other assorted med supplies. 

Years and years ago when I was growing up, my mom could take one look at me and tell me I was getting sick. "Meggie, I can see it in your eyes." I would fight her tooth and nail on it and it used to annoy me to no end. And yet, usually within 24 hours I was down and out with some assorted cold or virus. So to be able to look at my kids' eyes, now I know what she saw. And dammit if she wasn't right. You can always tell.

By Thursday, fever was in full effect but no other symptoms except her eyes just looked feverish. And then by Friday morning, she had extremely puffy and red eye lids, was breaking out in hives all over her legs, elbows, knees and ankles, and just was plain miserable. Out of respect for all of the sick kids at TCH, we cancelled our cardiology appointment and headed to our pedi instead. Of course, the majority is a virus that just has to run it's course, but the eyes were pink eye. Awesome. Ever try to give an already irritated child drops three times a day? Super fun. Now we are in Lysol/hot wash mode and trying to keep Q away from brother. Thankfully, anytime she doesn't feel well, she won't let her daddy out of her sight, so the rest of us are pretty much of non-interest to her.

And can I just say Matt is super dad of the year? He has hardly put that child down for the last 48 hours. He just cuddles and snuggles without ceasing with almost endless patience. We are all so lucky.

So why I am telling you all about a virus and illness which I'm sure that many of you all have dealt with in your own families? Well, strangely enough and knock on wood, but with the exception of mild colds that barely touched Quinn, and a half case of the flu that only annoyed her for half a day, this is the first time she has truly been laid out like this. No smiles, no nothing. And THAT brings back horrible memories of the surgeries and just scares me to death. The other night as she just sat on the coach with the saddest look on her little face, I was brought back to that recovery room after the first surgery went bad where I wanted  so desperately to see any signs of hope or joy in my daughter's eyes. And there were none. 

Now, I am not trying to be overly dramatic because I know that within hopefully a couple of days, my Q will be back. And we will all breathe deeply and move on with life. But my point is this, no matter how far removed we are from those scary and angst-filled days, my mind still has not fully recovered. And sometimes I wonder if there will be a day that a beep from a machine doesn't transport me back to the CVICU in an instant, or a normal virus that so many toddlers get, doesn't bring me such anxiety. I hope one day it will all be a distant memory.

Here's hoping.

One thing I am pretty sure we can always count on, no matter how sick, Q will always fully accessorize. This morning she was outfitted in a full pink tutu, bracelet, 2 bows, 1 barrette, and an all pink wardrobe. That's my girl. Don't know where Miss Priss gets it : )

This was yesterday. If you know my daughter, sitting still is not exactly her strong suit. This is pretty amazing to watch her not move for hours. It's also pretty amazing to see the recent pony tail that has emerged. Good grief, that's been a long time coming : ) Next up, pig tails!

And how lucky are we to have this guy in our lives? Endless patience with the kids as soon as he gets home from work. Couldn't do it without you, babe.

Next post will be a better and more joyful one, I promise. Just needed to get that off my proverbial chest.

Love you all,

Word Vomit

Yes, it's been awhile since a true update. Yes, I still have a laundry list of blogs I need to put out there. Maybe by the twins 30 month birthday, I'll actually have their 24 month old birthday post up. In the meantime, although it's probably the last thing I need to do right now, I'm going to have some word vomit. Read on or not at your own risk : ) My brain is on supersonic mode these days so bear with.

A little bit about what we've been up to:

1. We FINALLY finished our 4 days a week for 4 week survival swim lessons. Wah-hoo! But now I actually kind of miss having something to get out of the house for every day, even if it was a bit stressful. But by week 2, I had it down to a science with packing, changing, and coordination - and only forgot wipes once. Unfortunately it was on the only day that Ryan decided to leave a lovely present right before his lesson.   Suh-weet. Ummm, k? Never realized how hard it was to get off a really, really dirty swim diaper without wiping you know what all over said child and myself. Yummy. And you are welcome for that visual.

2. The kids can actually survive now. I think. They can certainly turn over and float for long periods of time and then can swim a couple of yards to the steps. And the most important thing --- they actually like swimming. Once they got over the whole initial dunking part. Our swim teacher does not fool around. At any rate, for the rest of the summer, we'll continue with once a week lessons, and then perhaps go to every 2 weeks or every month once we move into fall. It's been a really good experience and I HIGHLY recommend doing a class like this. It's super intensive and they actually learn skills other than blowing bubbles. And call me selfish, but I was happy not to get into the water every day with them. 

3. Not sure where I left off last on the house stuff, but we are rocking and rolling with the process. And the mounds of paperwork that comes with it. Getting a mortgage 6 years ago compared to now is no joke. I won't climb on my soap box now (if you are a friend on FB, you saw my rant a few days ago), but every time I see an email come through from my closer, I'm pretty sure he's going to ask me to give blood or a urine sample next. It's that freaking excruciating. I wonder if they would like to know that my first job was at Old Navy when I was 16 and I also worked at Babies R Us when I was 17. Then Roly Poly from 18-22.

4. I LOVE LOVE LOVE our new house --- if all goes to plan, we'll be in it by the first of September. Thankfully, most of it is move in ready, paint colors and all. We really just have to do one room for Ryan which is a lovely shade of Pepto Bismol Pink now. Not sure that goes well with the sports or trains motif I have in mind.  But we are pretty lucky that we really just need to get our furniture in and then we'll be set. Actually, way more than lucky. I feel completely and utterly blessed --- and immensely spoiled. It's hard to rectify in my mind sometimes my wants and true needs - so I end up feeling guilty. But that's for my head to sort out. Right now, I am just so thankful for a husband who works so incredibly hard for his family and has allowed us to be in this position to think about moving. 

5. Work life has been NUTS. Still working part-time for the church of course, but also have been picking up some freelancing writing gigs on the side, with the potential of more to come. I will say it's come as a surprise how challenging it has been. I mean, I love to write, so it shouldn't be that hard, right? Well, I do love to write, but it's a totally different ballgame to write other people's stories. And it's not like I was a journalism major or anything. So I've really just been relying on instinct and asking bazillions of questions (I'm sure my subjects just LOVED spending an hour on the phone with me for a 900 word article). We'll see where it goes. I haven't the faintest clue but it's been  nice to think outside the box a bit. And selfishly, it has been good for my self-esteem to remember that I am someone other than a mother and my brain can process something more than "what's for dinner?" and breaking up fights over blocks.

6. TIME. There's just not enough. I spend many a night laying my head on the pillow and thinking about what I could have done better. I should have been a better mom today. I should have been a better wife today. I should have been a better employee today. Stretched would be a word I guess. But I suppose that comes with the territory and I'm certainly not the only mom yelling it from the rooftops. Can I get an Amen? And also AMEN to preschool starting in just a little over a month. Two days a week to be able to concentrate at home without "Oh, Toodles" in the background must be what Heaven is like.

7. I have about 50 pictures on my phone that I need to dump pronto, so expect that fun little post here soon. Maybe a swim lesson or 10. Lucky you : ) One day I'll get back to my regular writing and you can be bored every few days instead of a few times a week. ha.

Happy Tuesday, y'all!

Heart & Mind Education Day at CHOP

Hello, friends!

A few times in the recent past, I have referenced www.heartwaves.org, an awesome Congenital Heart Defect advocacy, research, and informational website for parents of children with special hearts. The website and organization was started by a husband of a soccer friend of mine from LSU and I have been inspired by their passion to reach out to CHD families all across the country. Their son was diagnosed with Tetralogy of Fallot (a distant cousin to Q's disease). He is now 5 years old and is doing just awesome. 

Jared recently wrote an article about the emotions all of us heart parents go through when our worlds virtually stop for an instant when we hear those dizzying words of "your child has a problem with his/her heart". We all remember that place and time and in an instant, can be brought back to those moments of fear, questions of "why us?", the guilt, the grace, and eventually the peace of knowing you will find the best place possible to take care of your child.

Would love for all of you to take a look at this article (he says it much better than me!) and I invite each and every one of you to follow along as Jared streams video and blogs from Philadelphia's CHOP at their very special and informative "Heart and Mind Education Day" on Saturday, July 28th.

Click here for Jared's post.

 If you haven't already, visit www.heartwaves.org and subscribe to their blog or add it to your google reader. They post awesome and informative articles all the time that never fail to inspire and educate me as a heart mommy. Information is POWER!

Team Quinn Forever & Always,

Happy 4th of July - 2012

I am again way behind in posts (umm, anyone recall that the twin's actually had a birthday party and I have yet to post about it yet?). We are just running mad around here and my car shows it. The kids are in swim lessons 4 times a week for 4 weeks --- it doesn't sound all that time consuming, until you add in drive time there and back, the actual lessons, changing, etc and all of a sudden 3 hours of our day has slipped away. Oh yeah, and we closed on our house and are officially leasing back for 90 days. Which means we have about 83 days to find a new place to live which actually is proving quite challenging and time consuming as well. Throw in work, freelancing on the side (more on that later), physical therapy because I am a medical freak of nature, and other assorted duties of trying to remain a sane wife and mother, well... blogging has gone by the wayside. BUT I have these pictures from the 4th and am determined to actually post them somewhat on time. 

We spent the 4th very quietly. No big events, parties, or firework shows. Our little man is a bit sensitive to loud noises (freaks the heck out with hair dryers and vacuum cleaners) so we didn't think fireworks would go down well. And honestly, we just wanted a day OFF. I spent the morning seeing my precious new "niece" courtesy of one of my besties, our family photographer, and R&Q's "Aunt" Kendra. Love, love, love this precious new one and again amazed at God's Grace and the sheer miracle of life.

Sweet girl. I was a bundle of nerves awaiting the news of her arrival. Now I know how Kendra felt when R&Q were born. Such a special friendship we share --- can't wait to see Kenzie grow!

We were letting her rest so she could conserve energy for feeding. I know I will get to hold her many, many times in the future!

Beyond that, we had the all-american lunch of Pot Belly and laid low the rest of the afternoon. Of course, the kids were decked out in their red, white, and blue, as was I. Matt did not wear any of the patriotic colors, but had on a tshirt for a band called the National or Nationals or something like that so I guess it counts.

We did take them out for some traditional 4th of July pics and it struck me sentimental that it would be the last 4th pictures we would take in front of this house. Sweet and a bit sad. The kids were actually in good moods and for once cooperated for the camera. Making progress. Here a few shots. Hope you and yours had a wonderful and relaxing 4th!

Yup, that's my favorite. It will probably embarrass the heck out of them later in life, but oh so precious. Love that they love each other. I'll try to remember this picture when one of them is putting the other in a full nelson.

 

Nothing Like a Little Perspective

Ya'll, I have so much I need to share. So many thoughts in my mind, things that are happening around here, pictures, etc. Time has been a precious commodity this week so a post of that nature may not actually happen. 

But my dear friend Katie was featured in this Texas Children's Hospital video today and I cannot help but share with you. As a friend, she is incredibly precious to me --- I don't know that I could have made it sanely through Q's journey without her. Her faith, love, generosity, and grace through the most difficult circumstances continues to inspire me. There is this one picture that I always think back to - Katie is laying on the gurney, about to be wheeled into surgery to deliver sweet Caroline at just 29 weeks, knowing that because of her health issues, she will be under full sedation and not even be aware of her first child's birth.

But there is Katie and Ryan - with huge smiles on their faces on that gurney. Ready to face the world. Ready to face whatever was coming their way. To me, their smiles show their incredible faith. I am sure, like us all, that under those smiles, was also an incredible amount of worry. But as Katie has lived her whole life, she chooses optimism. She chooses love. She chooses faith and God, above all else. 

I love this video because it's so true to them - every ounce. Quinn's BFF, Caroline, is a testament to prayers, miracles, and outstanding care from the doctors and nurses at Texas Children's Hospital. I am absolutely convinced, that without TCH, that Quinn would not have such a positive prognosis for her life. And Caroline is absolutely in that same sentiment --- our babies were cared for by the best in the business. Oh, my - thank you, God. Thank you for these precious babies, who really are not so much babies anymore, but full on toddlers, thanks to the marvels of the medical world --- and truly, the marvels of the God we serve. 

I am not asking you to donate or take action after this video. I am simply asking that you watch it and pray that you feel as moved as I did. Pray for all of the sweet babies struggling for life right now. And hug your little ones and loved ones ever much closer tonight. Life is indeed, precious.

Texas Children's Hospital: The Cooper Family

Random Weekly Update

It's almost 11:00 p.m. - way past my usual bedtime - but I had a late dinner with a girlfriend of mine and sleep is escaping me at the moment. So of course it's the perfect time to bore you with details of our happenings around here. You're welcome in advance.

1. We are on week 2 or 3 of no Mother's Day Out and I can definitely say I am missing it. Please don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I also loved the break we had from each other. I think it goes both ways too. So we are trying to figure out what to do with our summer. Luckily, we've been pretty busy with house showings, some playdates, mandatory errand running, so it hasn't been too bad. But I will say, this is the time when I wish we lived closer to family or to free help I could call on --- I would LOVE to be able to take the kids to the splash pad, zoo, or even just our local park by myself, but it's just not possible. At their age, they sprint in literally two different directions, and I just can't take the chance. If they were further apart in age, I think it would be doable. Right now, not so much. Heck, I can barely get both of them out of the car and walk them into the Little Gym without having one try to undo the death grip I have on his/her hand and trying to avoid slamming somebody's head with the car door.

2. This one is a back up to number 1 - my child - let's call her Quinn for fun, is soooooo over the stroller. OVER. Like cries like a maniac, thrashes about, throws shoes and bows everywhere, whenever she has to go in it. There was a lovely moment in time where if we had a few hours to kill, we could at least go stroll the mall or our local outdoor shopping area and all was right with the world. Not so much anymore. Ninja girl can figure out how to get both of her straps off and then she is just literally hanging by a thread in the stroller. Ughhh. She has to be out of the stroller AND help push it to be happy. Have you ever tried to carry a toddler in a position where she can navigate a double stroller with one baby happily sitting in it and a blank spot beside him where the other baby should be? Yeah. Super fun.

3. Honestly, I get confused as to what I put on facebook, what I publish on here, or what I tell people. Social media woes. So if I repeat myself, forgive me. I do believe I've said that our house was on the market, and I am pretty sure I mentioned we had an offer the other day. Anyway, we have the coolest story behind the offer and we are just praying like crazy that it goes through. We were getting super, super discouraged as we kept showing the house and seemingly having no results. And then about 2 weeks ago on Memorial Day weekend a couple walked through and loved the place. I will write more on their story later, but long story short, if all goes as planned, we will close at the end of June and then we have a lease back for 90 days (yes, NINETY DAYS!) for a crazy low amount to give us time to figure out what we are going to do. And yes, we still don't know what we are going to do. We thought we were going to build but now we are having second thoughts. Thankfully our earnest money on that house is 100% refundable so we won't be out anything until they break ground. So now we are looking at other homes in the area to really do our homework and see where we want to end up. Our plan is that this new house will be our 10-15 year house. The house our kids are virtually raised in. To make a long term decision like that is just kinda blowing my mind at the moment and I have been all sorts of stressed out and have the break outs on my face to prove it. But like someone told me the other day, what a great problem to have. Yes, these are not exactly third world problems and I thank that person for returning me to planet earth and reality.

4. Following #3, yes, our long term plan is to stay in Houston. Five years ago, I was plotting ways of how I could get us to Dallas (where I grew up). But now, this is HOME. Not to say that I don't desperately miss my mom or wish she could be closer to see her grandbabies grow up, or that I don't wish I lived within minutes of some of my dearest friends whom I love and cherish. But as the years have passed here, we've really been immensely blessed with an awesome support system here. I recently had surgery and I can't tell you the number of ways our family was loved on, by people bringing meals, calling, offering to watch our kids, etc. We have an amazing church home, Matt's job is great, and I have made incredible friends that I am beyond blessed by. Besides the fact that we live in a swamp where the sheer brutality of the heat and humidity drives me to the brink of insanity, I actually really like it here. Surprise, surprise. 

5. I still have yet to blog about the kids' birthday party, so that's the next post coming. I swore up, down, and sideways that I was not going to make a big deal of their 2nd birthday and for a moment in time, we weren't even going to have a party. But I started thinking about all of the amazing people who supported us endlessly during Q's surgery and recovery and I just felt it was a disservice not to at least not attempt to thank them for everything they did for us. So yes, we had a party. And it was FANTASTIC. So glad we did it - and I learned an important lesson. Last year I sweated every last detail of their 1st birthday party and started planning months in advance. And guess what? It was a good party, but can I say I even really enjoyed it? Not really. I was just too stressed. This year, given my medical circumstances and then the last minute decision to even host a party, we planned all of it in less than 3 weeks --- and guess what? It was the most fun I've had in a long time. No, it wasn't Pintrest perfect and it was less than fancy. But we had great company, good food, and best of all, the kids had a blast. So pictures and post to come soon!

So now that I have tortured you enough with my random thoughts and happenings of the week, I'll sign off. : ) Hope all of you are having  a blessed and wonderful week. If you made it this far, congrats.

In Him,

Car Wash Phobia?

My car has been screaming for a car wash, oh, probably for the last 3 months or so. I rarely pay for a car wash because Matt would rather do it than pay the money. But we've been so busy on the weekends with showings, house hunting, birthdays, etc that car washing hasn't been a priority. The other day we had a showing so of course we had to clear out of the house. Showings are becoming expensive because every time we have to leave, I end up at Target or HEB or worse, the mall. We need this offer to close soon so I can get our bank account back on track. 

Anyway, I decided to head to the car wash to kill some time and also because I was too lazy to get the kids out of the car, into the stroller, hear them scream in some store, reload them, and then unload them at home. the Texas heat is starting to get to me and I think we may end up in drive thrus the rest of the summer. 

However, never did I expect that the car wash would be a frightening experience for them. I naively thought they would think it was cool, like a giant bathtub or something. Apparently all the pounding water, sounds, and brushes against the windows scared my little bugs. And since we were stuck and there was nothing I could do to make the fear go away, I did what any awesome mom would do. 

I recorded it. (Yet actually in the video I apparently had a flashback to 1986 and said I was "taping it". Who remembers the last time they "taped" anything???) 

At any rate, this was the result. Sad, yes. 

Funny as well? I'm not gonna lie, yep.