Gosh, sometimes I can be so dense. So wrapped up in my own little world and my own little "issues" - I let stuff in my life just consume me. My selfishness at times surprises even me. If you read my last post - you know by now Matt & I have been dealing with some fertility issues. There have been times in this last 12 months or so that I have felt so pathetically sorry for myself, sorry for us - it's just been ridiculous. After all, we still have options to become parents. It's not going to be as easy for us as for maybe many people we know - but we can still, with God's blessing, at least continue the journey to try.
And then there's just my stupid insecurities that I wrap myself in, whether I have 5 zits today or 20 (seriously, though - i'm almost 30 - when do those stop popping up!!??!!), weight issues, hair issues, work issues (am I working hard enough? Did I do a good enough job?) --- perfectionist to the max. It's exhausting. And I'm tired of it. But yet, the mantras continue to play in my head -
And then, boom - God knows when enough is enough. I was beamed back to Earth today (after lamenting my food choices yesterday, banana bread for breakfast, crawfish & cocktails for lunch, pasta, pizza & ice cream for dinner - and dreading how far I would have to run on the treadmill Monday to take care of it) -
My aunt was diagnosed with cancer (my only aunt on my dad's side) - - - and then the news that another young friend has cancer, another one still recovering from brain cancer. gosh, is it really that bad for us?
Not so much...
So this weekend, we did Relay for Life - it's American Cancer Society's community event to "fight back" against cancer. Originally I signed up b/c my church was doing it and my good friend was captaining. Little did I know how much it would hit a nerve for me - call me naive, but I was just planning on going out there and talking to friends, relaying it around a track and staying up all night eating snack bars. But then they had these touching ceremonies and lit candles for those who we have lost to cancer.
Of course, I couldn't help but think of my dad. I didn't know I could have had a candle lit for him - -- but in the end, it didn't matter... like I told Kendra, "he had the best seat in the house" ... he saw the whole thing from a high up perch - and I'd like to think he was proud of me.
As my friend Amy, said, "See you at the REAL finish line".
Love you Dad, today and always,