Anyways, I started reading it & going back through some of her old posts where she talked about struggling with infertility and failed IUI treatments, etc. Her emotions were so raw and so real to me - and everything that I am experiencing right now.
What is amazing now is this woman, who was incredibly faithful during her entire ordeal, now has a precious miracle baby, Harper. She is passionate about praying for woman who want to be mothers and even has a separate prayer blog set up for us specifically.
So one late night about a week ago, I decided to leave a comment on her blog - and outlined kind of the issues we were going through - and guess what? This morning, I checked her prayer blog & there was my name - listed bigger than daylight - at the end of the blog. I was beyond moved. I think I sat here and cried for 10 minutes, just incredibly thankful that little ole me is being prayed for by people who don't know me, don't know my story - but know my desire. Wow!
So, I decided I wanted to post a poem she has on her prayer blog (I hope she doesn't mind!!) but the words are just too perfect. I know in my heart that Matt & I are meant to be parents. I don't know how it's going to happen or when, but I do have faith that it will.
I know the road we face is not easy. We will stumble. We will struggle with knowing which way to turn. We will at times, even though we are in this together, turn our frustrations on each other. We will probably even get upset with God and wonder "Why Us?". But when I think about those obstacles - wow, how similar that must be to being a parent? A parent goes through all of those things. So, thank you God, for this little "prep course" and character building. I know we will appreciate it later on.
However, just one tiny question, God...do you think I've built enough character for awhile? :) ha.
A poem for all you mothers in waiting
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Regardless of how you may feel about Jon & Kate, whether previously you were on "Team Kate" or "Team Jon" - i don't think anyone could watch that show tonight and not feel anything but disgust and purely on team "Gosselin Kids". They didn't ask for that crap, to be followed by relentless photographers & to become some sort of sick pawns in their parent's games.
I watched the show in it's entirety tonight (and if I must be honest, I watched a good portion of the marathon that was on this weekend hoping to scout out signs of what went wrong. I know, don't tell me - I need to get out more. Did I add this was AFTER I had planted brand-new plants and bushes in our flower beds and spread new mulch and did 4 loads of laundry - Better??).
What I saw is a family who got completely caught up in everything that is NOT real life...no matter that they have a "reality" show. The last couple of years have been anything but reality for that family.
Reality was when they were struggling to make ends meet.
Reality was when they were both home with their children.
Reality was when they didn't have massive amounts of staff on call, full of nannies, PR people, PA's etc.
Reality was when they were not followed by papparazi.
This family was lured in by money, fame, fortune - and all in the process was caught up in the devil's trap.
I try often not to get on my soapbox b/c I more than anyone know how easy it is to fall prey to the greener grass on the other side. Been there. Done that. And found emptiness.
I looked at the house tonight on TV - this beautiful house with a massive kitchen, exposed brick, gorgeous centerpieces and amazing landscaping - and for a second, I was like "wow, I would love to have that." And then I caught myself. What are you going to do with a house like that if it is filled with nothing but bitterness & resentment & the parents sleeping on oppposite sides. How sad.
Daily, I must sadly admit, that I think of what I would do if I had more, could do more, be more. I would improve my house this way, build this, plant that, move here, buy this, get that --- but that means nothing.
NOTHING in this world is worth trading your husband, wife, family & integrity. And I am not saying that Jon Or Kate did that intentionally or purposefully. But now they find themselves entagled in this web & can't even find each other anymore. I don't know what it's like to be that far apart - but I do know what it's like to be heading in that direction. It's lonely, scary & full of hurt.
So, I probably won't watch that show again - and I pretty much refuse to read another article about them - I pray that they find healing & can come back together. And if that is all lost, that they may all find peace and happiness in being apart but continuing to parent those children together.
And what irritated me even more was the gorgeous weather we had yesterday and I couldn't even drag myself outside to enjoy it just a little. I know, pathetic.
I don't know what it was...chalk it up to PMS, stress, missing my husband, burned out from work, in need of a vacay, missing my mom or perhaps all of the above. Either way, I was not in my happy place.
So pardon my cheesiness, but as I was showering last night, I just started thinking about tomorrow (which is now today) - and how this day was going to be different. Because I am going to make it different. No more black cloud. So I started thinking about the little things that make me happy. That truly bless my life. And all those little things surely add up to one big thing - and one happy day :)
1. Long-distance patio chats @ 10pm with a great friend who makes me laugh, cry (in a good way) & whose heart just inspires me. How we can bounce from the trials & tribs of Jon & Kate to invitro to books to husbands back to invitro to baby's belly laughs is nothing short of amazing! No wonder guys get lost when they try to follow women's conversations - they would not have had a chance last night to even catch their breath... :)
2. An amazingly sweet husband who left me an amazingly sweet card (on my computer - where he knew that would be the first place I would go in the morning! Most people it might be the bathroom sink/cereal bowl/coffee pot. Not me. It's the computer. Kinda sad) when he departed for his business trip. It's become a ritual for us. I hide a note in his bag for him to find when he unpacks and he leaves me a card. Awwwww. Yes, you can roll your eyes now.
3. Clean sheets on the bed. Enough said.
4. A fresh cup of French Vanilla roast Folgers since Matt won't drink it if he's here. So it's my special treat when he's gone.
5. A lunch out of the house today with a great friend on a beautiful day! No microwave meals!
6. My morning devotional time when God never fails to reveal something either inspiring, challenging, thought-provoking or encouraging to me.
List to be continued...it's only 8:00am :)
7. BEAUTIFUL HOUSTON WEATHER - enough said. only happens for about 2 weeks out of the year. However, I have found that while I have always said I want to live in a less-humid environment - it seems my hair doesn't know what to do without the extra moisture. It was FUNKY today. And my skin is super dry. Apparently after 7 years I am acclimating to the Gulf Coast humidity levels of 110%
8. Talking to my husband - who is hundreds of miles away floating in the gulf somewhere. That I even can talk to him is nothing short of a miracle.
9. Baked chimichangas in the oven - yes, I cooked tonight instead of "microwaving" as I usually do when Matt is gone. But since I don't have anyone to cook for, dinner starts a little late :)
10. My boss telling me to "take it easy & relax". Wow. I don't know many bosses that say that.
11. My dog sweetly laying on my lap as I watch American Idol. What a sweetie. Who misses his Daddy.
Of all these "little" things I am so grateful and so incredibly blessed. May I remember these every day and not be bogged down by the bad.
Back Story: my friend Kendra is getting her photography business up and going. Needs brides. For bridal portraits. Meagan has dress. Meagan, by some miracle, still fits in dress. I love my friend. Enough to take pictures when I hate taking pictures. Done deal.
It seriously was so much fun, though - we just drove all around Katy, laughing and talking and somehow I hope she got some good shots. For her. Not me. But I'm a little vain. If they are going to be on a website somewhere, I would prefer I look halfway decent. Anyways, here are some of the results below. Don't know about the "model" but the photographer is really good :) Love you, Kendra! She even capped off the deal with a trip to Sonic & a delicious dinner with our hubbies (mine of almost 6 years - so that's why it was a trip to put on the dress!) It made me a little sad to take it off b/c I really think that may be the last time. Oh, well. Save it for my daughter. So she can laugh at me and say "Mom, you wore THIS???!!!!".
Train Station - there are more of these shots. I LOVED them b/c it reminded me of New Orleans and the trolley car rentals I wanted for my bridal party that sadly was not meant to be.
This ground was so dirty - I had dirt up to my calves. Don't ask.
1. I have "blog envy" - seriously. I read all of these other posts (read: blogstalk apparently is the lingo) & I am just blown away by the creativity, humor, saavy, sensitivity, etc etc etc that others write with. The way people are able to transfer seemingly uninteresting daily activities into witty, engaging stories just amazes me. And irritates me. I am green right now.
2. I have a "blog brain" now. Things will happen & I'll be like, "man, that would make a great post.". Then I move onto my other important daily activities (note: check facebook updates 100 times & recheck email every 2 minutes) and forget what the hell I was going to blog about. Ughhh!! I need to write these ideas down. Cause then they're gone. And thus, you get a post like this.
I have realized that I lead a pretty boring life. I love my life & I wouldn't change it, don't get me wrong - but we're talking seriously the highlight of my day is hitting up the local Sonic (ahhhh, the deliciousness that is a large $.99 diet coke!!). But from a day to day perspective, there isn't a whole lot of excitement.
In fact, the only blog worthy thing that happened today was at the said Sonic this morning. So, today I was running a little bit late for my normal Sonic run. I am usually there by no later than 11am (because after 11:00am the price goes to $1.72...well, until 2pm and then it is $.86 happy hour - but that's way too late - I need my day to start with the massive caffeine jolt by usually 9)
Annnnnyywwwwayyys... I was running late & was hoping to swing through quickly before meeting a friend for lunch (yes, I realize the retardedness that is getting a humongous diet coke prior to a lunch meeting where I am sure to indulge in another one - deal). So, as always I pull the drive thru - hear the familiar voice that greets me & says "hi, meagan!" - yup, they know me by voice & order. It is pathetic. So, I pull up, swipe the trusty debit card - b/c who really carries $1.07 in cash these days, not me. Windows open - hands me the diet coke - I'm salivating -and about ready to take off until my trusty sonic friend say, "How about those cups?".
What??? I cocked my head and had this bewildered look - much like my dog Max looks I'm sure when he hears an unfamiliar sound outside.
"Cups??", I said.
"Yes, the cups I ordered for you." he said.
OH LORD.. And then it hit me. About a week ago, I was pulling through and he asked me if the church ever used cups. (Look - Sonic may not have the brightest bulbs working there, bless their hearts, but they have some nice ones.)
"ummm, yes," I stuttered. "The church actually does use cups." Wondering where the heck this was going.
"Well, I can get you cups." (almost secretely, like we were arranging a drug smuggling deal)
"Really???... " - Trying to sound enthusiastic about cups. Of all things. look, I was trying to be polite. The guy was being nice.
"Oh yeah, we order them all the time - what size do you want? Do you need straws? I can get you straws. Do you need lids? I can get you lids. I'll have them by Monday. Come on by whenever" He was in a frenzy now. Calm down, guy.
I tried to refuse, saying he didn't have to, but he just kept insisting. So I thanked him profusely, drove away & really didn't think anymore about it. The guy wants to give the church some cups - I'll let him give us some cups. Thinking it might be like 100 at the most.
Boy, was I wrong...
After asking me if I had enough room in my freaking SUV for CUPS (I should have known I was in trouble) - that boy came bounding out the back door with a massive moving size box of CUPS. Literally it took up the whole cargo space in the back of my car. Where Matt & I can usually fit 4 plus suitcases & other luggage/Max gear.
Ooops. This was not was I was expecting. (Nor were the other 4 cars behind me in line.)
Then came the box of lids.
And then a box of straws.
And another box of lids.
And another box of straws.
Get the picture?
Sonic cups, straws and lids for 1,000. Easy.
But the church (and myself!) are very grateful. Now I am just trying to craft a sweet thank you note for the cups.
1 week ago Matt & participated in Relay for Life - stayed up all night (well, except for my hour nap) and didn't go to sleep until 7:30am on Saturday morning. Exhausted, I talked to my mom after I woke up that day. Here's a brief summary of the end of our conversation:
Me: " I think we are going to hang out this afternoon. Watch some TV, read & then meet some friends out for a birthday dinner."
Mom: "Well, take it easy, you were up all night. You don't want to make yourself sick"
Me: "Yeah. ok, whatever Mom - Love you."
Yup - ok... my entire blog to date has been somewhat serious posts. I'm done with serious for the moment. Let's talk Rachael.
We've had this love/hate relationship (ok, so she doesn't know I exist, but still). When I first saw her on the Food Network, I DID NOT LIKE THIS WOMAN. She was so perky, so happy, so just...well, annoying. But I couldn't help but watch because she made meals & made it seem like I could make them too. So I watched. And kept watching.
And then she got her own show on a more "real" tv station - sponsored and produced by the "Big O" no less. So it was decision time. Do I continue watching her? Well, I did. And man, she has me. Now that I stay at home & work, I pretty much schedule my lunch breaks around her show (2:00pm here). That's a late lunch. And a sacrifice. My blood sugar and shaky hands prove it. But it's so worth it.
I make more meals from her magazine than I have made from all of my wedding gift cookbooks combined. They are easy, simple to duplicate & allow you just to cook. None of this analness like you get from most chefs. 1/8 tsp of this, 1/9 tsp of that, paste this, sautee this...what??!! I don't know even know what that means. She talks in my terms. A palmful, handful of this, sprinkle of that - this works for me. I am not a precise measurement person - thus, not an engineer-minded person like my hubby. And so I hate to bake. I love the finished product, if I even have one at all, but I hate the process. The preciseness. Ugh. But I digress.
So, Rachael. We are so good now. My husband's tummy is full & happy every night (yet he could probably eat cereal and pb&j everynight and be a happy camper) - but he loves your stuff. So much so that he got me a 2 year subscription to your magazine. At first I thought it was really sweet cause he knows I enjoy the magazine - but then I thought about it - and the boy just wants to eat!!!
But who can blame him? It's good stuff. Really good stuff. My only complaint now is that I cannot even THINK of opening a jar of prego and throwing it some half-cooked penne pasta with a bagged salad. My days of throwing dinner together are over. I just feel guilty now that I know better.
But a word to the wise, Rach (if I can call you that)...30 minute meals are not 30 minute meals. For the untrained, unsupervised, prone to cutting/burning/maiming yourself folks - it's a good 60 minutes. But man, it's a good 60 minutes :)