Much Too Soon...

I am saddened to write that my father-in-law, David, lost his battle with pancreatic cancer early this morning at 4:12am. His family was at his bedside when he peacefully passed on.

It goes without saying that our hearts are heavy tonight. He was taken much too soon by a devestating disease that takes the lives of way too many. As we have researched pancreatic cancer since his diagnosis, it was so troubling to find that few, if any advances, have been made in the last 20 years. It was a virtual death sentence then, and barring some miracles, it's pretty much a death sentence now. How crushing.

I will miss Matt's father so much. He was loved by so many -- the outpouring of support in Matt's hometown has been nothing short of amazing. His parents have such an incredible group of close friends, which will be even more important in the coming days. Matt's mom has been doing amazingly well under the circumstances. I have been just blown away by her strength and courage through all of this. I know God has just been holding her in the palm of His Hand - there's no doubt about that. Matt is hanging in there as well and is just being "Matt" - what can I say? His resilience and character during times of adversity is inspiring.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time Matt and I have walked this journey together - we lost my father 3 years ago in very similar circumstances and pretty much just as quickly as we lost David. Nothing ever fully prepares you for moments in time like this - but we are able to draw on some of the experiences of my dad's passing. And while recognizing that the road is tough, we know we will get through it. Our dads would want nothing less than our happiness and our smiles through our tears.

Our fathers were wonderful, wonderful people. It breaks my heart to know that our babies will never physically meet their grandaddies - but they will know them. They will know them through our stories, through our pictures, and best of all, through us just being us. We would not be the people we are today without our dads. Our lives have been immeasurably shaped and molded by all of the things they taught us. How lucky we are to have had them both here. We are especially grateful that God provided time for us to tell David that he was going to have his first grandson and another granddaughter. He had been waiting for that call and we had just prayed he would make it to find out with us. We were also able to share with him that our grandson will be his namesake, "Ryan David". Moments we will treasure forever.

I realize now more than ever that the legacy of our lives here on Earth are not formed by the luxury cars we were able to buy or the amount of money we were able to make in our lifetimes. Our truest legacy, the one that survives, is who we leave behind to treasure the memories and tell our stories. The families, the friends, all who loved you while you were here. That's what makes the indelible mark in people's lives. And that's what makes for truly a "life lived well". By those standards, Dave had the richest life you could ask for - a devoted wife, loving and well-adjusted children, hundreds of close friends --- all of whom will recall "Dave stories" for the rest of their lives. Wouldn't have it any other way. And of course, Matthew is one of those greatest legacies of David -and one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I am eternally grateful to Dave for raising such an amazing son who turned out to be a great man and husband.

Love you, David. Give my dad a hug for us. I can just see them now, up there in heaven, sarcasm flashing and Aggie jokes flying. Good times.

In Memory of:

David Ralph Clanahan

Feb. 3rd, 1947 - Jan. 31, 2010

"A Life Well Lived"

Thank you to all of my sweet friends who have emailed, called or "facebooked" me since his passing. Your prayers of support have meant so much to Matt and I both. We love you all.

In His Hands,

The Big Reveal...

Well, we just couldn't stand it ---- so we peeked today!

Our little M&M's are now a little blue one and a little pink one!

Honestly, it's more than I could have hoped for. I never completely wished out loud for one of each because we all know that God likes to keep us on our toes --- but secretly, it's what I dreamed of. We are just beside ourselves. Matt was able to come with me to the appointment and it was so cool just to see his face as he heard the babies' heartbeats (he hadn't yet heard them before). The babies were very active this morning and had no trouble getting into the right position for us to see the goods (or lack thereof, as appropriate for our baby girl).

Obviously the best news is that both of them look incredibly healthy, both great heartbeats, good blood flow, and all that awesome stuff. Praise God for that!

The only scary moment, at least for me, was almost fainting during the ultrasound. A bad combo of laying on my back for too long with a full bladder and 2 babies put some unnecessary pressure on my interior vena cava which in turn caused me to almost pass out right smack in the middle of it. They quickly turned me to my left side to let the blood flow get going again and I was much better after about 5 minutes. But man, that was scary -- everything just started to go grey and I could hear people talking but it seemed really far away. No fun -- so all you pregger people, make sure you lay on your left side as much as possible - I always knew to do that when sleeping but never thought of anything happening during an ultra sound.

For those who are wondering - Baby B is the little girl and Baby A is the little boy. Our little boy is measuring smaller than the girl by about a week, but is still right on track with being normal. Apparently, since the little girl is sitting pretty much directly on top of him, he's always going to be a bit smaller. And our a little girl is already quite the overachiever since she's measuring at 18 weeks instead of 17.

This would be a good time to note: Pregnancy brain is still in full force. Even though I labeled the previous post 18 weeks, I actually am only 17 weeks. And apparently, I am an idiot. I had to look back in my email and see how many weeks along my last "What to Expect" email said that I was. How sad is that?!?!

Anyway, I'll try to get some baby pics up here soon for all of the grandmas. Thank you for your continued prayers and blessings of health on our babies. Right now, we are just floating somewhere between Cloud 9 and Cloud 10.

In Him,

18 weeks!

I have been so terrible at blogging lately. But I never wanted it to feel like job or a "have-to". So today I am going to defer on a post for now until I can feel somewhat creative. In the meantime, my 18 or so week picture for posterity's sake only :)

First, a before preggers picture for comparison

Now, 18 weeks with twins. My, how things change

Lost: My Self-Esteem. Will pay top dollar for it's safe return!

Title kinda says it all, huh?

My self-esteem is kaput. Gone. MIA.

The thing is --- it never was too high to begin with, but if it was low before, now it's in the gutter.

No one really tells you how hard pregnancy can be on your mental state. We always talk about the physical symptoms, the morning sickness, constipation (lovely, btw!), etc - but you never hear too much about how women can be completely miserable as they lose all trace of what they used to be.

Maybe it's not like this for everyone. Maybe I'm just a bad pregnant person. And I feel guilty about that for a couple of reasons:

1. Make no mistake ---I am thrilled to actually be pregnant after years of hoping and praying

2. I have not been the most joyous wife to my husband. I'm not ugly to him, but I think he is tired of me complaining about this symptom, that zit, this new "cellulital" region (not sure if that's a word but I'm rolling with it)

I guess I just thought that I would be this round, happy, glowing woman --- and I am soooo not. Well, I am getting round, but definitely not glowing.

Yet.

With each passing week, I keep hoping that I'll wake up one day and feel gorgeous but so far, no luck. I guess I should have just appreciated my body for what it was before. I was so incredibly hard on myself when in actuality, it wasn't half bad. Not super model material obviously, but not awful. Now - well, I'm not sure I'll ever fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes again.

And that is so like me - stress about something that I won't even be able to do anything about until late summer. I think my husband is a little stressed about it too - not that he thinks I'll be fat or anything post-partum, but I think he is mentally calculating how much it would cost to restock my closet should I not be able to fit into my clothes again :) ha.

I just keep trying to remind myself that obviously all of this changing is for a wonderful reason, that my babies need to get all of the nutrition they need and I need to worry about them first. I just don't handle change really well. Maybe that's my main problem.

Gosh, what a Debbie Downer I am. Sorry!!!

Here's the bottom line: it's quite possible that God has blessed us with 2 wonderful miracles at one time because He knew I would only want to do this one time :)

In other baby-related news, the twins are the size of apples this week. I can hardly believe that! It seems so, well...grown-up! From sesame seeds to this! Blows my mind. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow just to check in and pee in a cup - then just 2 more weeks until the big gender reveal. Grandma (my mom) is just on pins and needles and is totally and 100% convinced that we have a boy and a girl. It's strange but I really don't have a feeling one way or another. For some reason, I've kind of seen myself as the mother of boys BUT I also know that God certainly seems to exercise His sense of humor in our lives, so I would not be surprised in the least if it was 2 girls :)

Also, quick update on my father-in-law, David. He was moved to hospice care about a week and a half ago. He is doing much better there than he was in the hospital --- it's just a much more relaxing atmosphere and more condusive to his ongoing care. We appreciate y'alls prayers for our family more than you know. If you know David and would like to receive updates on him via his Caring Bridge page set up by my sister-in-law, please shoot me an email and I will send you the link.

Hope you all have a wonderful week. Please keep Matty in your prayers. He is "choppering" out to the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow to spend a few nights on the rig for some project work. I HATE when he has to go out there - it just freaks me out to think of him floating on this thing in the middle of the ocean. So weird! I always heave a huge sigh of relief when he returns to dry land. To make up for having to be gone, he's bringing me back a King Cake from NOLA. YUMMY! Can't wait for that :)

In Him,