Lost: My Self-Esteem. Will pay top dollar for it's safe return!

Title kinda says it all, huh?

My self-esteem is kaput. Gone. MIA.

The thing is --- it never was too high to begin with, but if it was low before, now it's in the gutter.

No one really tells you how hard pregnancy can be on your mental state. We always talk about the physical symptoms, the morning sickness, constipation (lovely, btw!), etc - but you never hear too much about how women can be completely miserable as they lose all trace of what they used to be.

Maybe it's not like this for everyone. Maybe I'm just a bad pregnant person. And I feel guilty about that for a couple of reasons:

1. Make no mistake ---I am thrilled to actually be pregnant after years of hoping and praying

2. I have not been the most joyous wife to my husband. I'm not ugly to him, but I think he is tired of me complaining about this symptom, that zit, this new "cellulital" region (not sure if that's a word but I'm rolling with it)

I guess I just thought that I would be this round, happy, glowing woman --- and I am soooo not. Well, I am getting round, but definitely not glowing.


With each passing week, I keep hoping that I'll wake up one day and feel gorgeous but so far, no luck. I guess I should have just appreciated my body for what it was before. I was so incredibly hard on myself when in actuality, it wasn't half bad. Not super model material obviously, but not awful. Now - well, I'm not sure I'll ever fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes again.

And that is so like me - stress about something that I won't even be able to do anything about until late summer. I think my husband is a little stressed about it too - not that he thinks I'll be fat or anything post-partum, but I think he is mentally calculating how much it would cost to restock my closet should I not be able to fit into my clothes again :) ha.

I just keep trying to remind myself that obviously all of this changing is for a wonderful reason, that my babies need to get all of the nutrition they need and I need to worry about them first. I just don't handle change really well. Maybe that's my main problem.

Gosh, what a Debbie Downer I am. Sorry!!!

Here's the bottom line: it's quite possible that God has blessed us with 2 wonderful miracles at one time because He knew I would only want to do this one time :)

In other baby-related news, the twins are the size of apples this week. I can hardly believe that! It seems so, well...grown-up! From sesame seeds to this! Blows my mind. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow just to check in and pee in a cup - then just 2 more weeks until the big gender reveal. Grandma (my mom) is just on pins and needles and is totally and 100% convinced that we have a boy and a girl. It's strange but I really don't have a feeling one way or another. For some reason, I've kind of seen myself as the mother of boys BUT I also know that God certainly seems to exercise His sense of humor in our lives, so I would not be surprised in the least if it was 2 girls :)

Also, quick update on my father-in-law, David. He was moved to hospice care about a week and a half ago. He is doing much better there than he was in the hospital --- it's just a much more relaxing atmosphere and more condusive to his ongoing care. We appreciate y'alls prayers for our family more than you know. If you know David and would like to receive updates on him via his Caring Bridge page set up by my sister-in-law, please shoot me an email and I will send you the link.

Hope you all have a wonderful week. Please keep Matty in your prayers. He is "choppering" out to the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow to spend a few nights on the rig for some project work. I HATE when he has to go out there - it just freaks me out to think of him floating on this thing in the middle of the ocean. So weird! I always heave a huge sigh of relief when he returns to dry land. To make up for having to be gone, he's bringing me back a King Cake from NOLA. YUMMY! Can't wait for that :)

In Him,

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Lisa said...

TRUST ME - its totally where you are in your pregnancy. You probably look (or really feel) like you ate 2 too many McDonald's burgers. Hang in there... you will feel beautiful in no time... especially once you really pop or someone you DON'T know asks you when you are due.

Hope said...

I totally understand. As much as pregnancy is wonderful, it is a very hard time. I have never felt less like myself in the beginning because life really does change for you overnight. Hang in there...it does get better! Talking about it does help :) I have found that the 3rd trimester is really the best trimester!

Anonymous said...

How I wish your Daddy were here to get your self esteem back on track! I think we all picture the "pregnant lady" during the last trimester when she obviously so pregnant...and...forget 'til it's us...that you don't just wake up overnight with a basketball in your belly! Be patient with yourself....and....enjoy a little ice cream along the way! Perhaps add a cherry on top! By the way....are you eating any of those pickle, cheese and cracker snacks?

Ellie said...

If it makes you feel any better, susan and I talk about how you are the perfect pregnant lady, in the perfect pregnant clothes, and make up on and everything...while I sit, (literally as I type this) in an old pair of my husbands basketball shorts (yes, sadly they fit! I was once a size 4 and had a models body...so not the case now!) and one of his old tshirts! with my hair in a messy bun and no not a cute messy bun!

I feel your pain!

What I did after sophia, was just convince myself, I was TOO skinny before anyway.....besides with 2 little pumpkins, you will be super skinny because you won't even have time to think about brushing your teeth, much less eating!

let's meet up and complain to each other soon!

Mike said...

Meagan - Lisa could have written a very similar post with respect to pregnancy, I suspect. If you ever need to talk to someone who feels like you do, please give her a call. We will keep both Matt's parents in our prayers! Stay healthy :-)

The Wests said...

It will get better Meagan! Hsng in there. Praying for Dave and y'all.

Anonymous said...

I was googling Clanahan family and found you. My maiden name is Clanahan and I have a brother Bill Clanahan in Brenham, TX. From what I can determine, your in-laws David and Barbara are Clanahans. I would love to be able to email you. My email is
I am Susie Clanahan Pickthorn on Facebook.
Congrats on your pregnancy. Brother Bill has 18 year old twin girls!