Title kinda says it all, huh?
My self-esteem is kaput. Gone. MIA.
The thing is --- it never was too high to begin with, but if it was low before, now it's in the gutter.
No one really tells you how hard pregnancy can be on your mental state. We always talk about the physical symptoms, the morning sickness, constipation (lovely, btw!), etc - but you never hear too much about how women can be completely miserable as they lose all trace of what they used to be.
Maybe it's not like this for everyone. Maybe I'm just a bad pregnant person. And I feel guilty about that for a couple of reasons:
1. Make no mistake ---I am thrilled to actually be pregnant after years of hoping and praying
2. I have not been the most joyous wife to my husband. I'm not ugly to him, but I think he is tired of me complaining about this symptom, that zit, this new "cellulital" region (not sure if that's a word but I'm rolling with it)
I guess I just thought that I would be this round, happy, glowing woman --- and I am soooo not. Well, I am getting round, but definitely not glowing.
With each passing week, I keep hoping that I'll wake up one day and feel gorgeous but so far, no luck. I guess I should have just appreciated my body for what it was before. I was so incredibly hard on myself when in actuality, it wasn't half bad. Not super model material obviously, but not awful. Now - well, I'm not sure I'll ever fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes again.
And that is so like me - stress about something that I won't even be able to do anything about until late summer. I think my husband is a little stressed about it too - not that he thinks I'll be fat or anything post-partum, but I think he is mentally calculating how much it would cost to restock my closet should I not be able to fit into my clothes again :) ha.
I just keep trying to remind myself that obviously all of this changing is for a wonderful reason, that my babies need to get all of the nutrition they need and I need to worry about them first. I just don't handle change really well. Maybe that's my main problem.
Gosh, what a Debbie Downer I am. Sorry!!!
Here's the bottom line: it's quite possible that God has blessed us with 2 wonderful miracles at one time because He knew I would only want to do this one time :)
In other baby-related news, the twins are the size of apples this week. I can hardly believe that! It seems so, well...grown-up! From sesame seeds to this! Blows my mind. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow just to check in and pee in a cup - then just 2 more weeks until the big gender reveal. Grandma (my mom) is just on pins and needles and is totally and 100% convinced that we have a boy and a girl. It's strange but I really don't have a feeling one way or another. For some reason, I've kind of seen myself as the mother of boys BUT I also know that God certainly seems to exercise His sense of humor in our lives, so I would not be surprised in the least if it was 2 girls :)
Also, quick update on my father-in-law, David. He was moved to hospice care about a week and a half ago. He is doing much better there than he was in the hospital --- it's just a much more relaxing atmosphere and more condusive to his ongoing care. We appreciate y'alls prayers for our family more than you know. If you know David and would like to receive updates on him via his Caring Bridge page set up by my sister-in-law, please shoot me an email and I will send you the link.
Hope you all have a wonderful week. Please keep Matty in your prayers. He is "choppering" out to the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow to spend a few nights on the rig for some project work. I HATE when he has to go out there - it just freaks me out to think of him floating on this thing in the middle of the ocean. So weird! I always heave a huge sigh of relief when he returns to dry land. To make up for having to be gone, he's bringing me back a King Cake from NOLA. YUMMY! Can't wait for that :)