I can see it in your eyes

I thought my post this weekend would be a quick wrap up of Q's 6 month cardiology appointment and my wrap up of the Brothers of the Sun tour which I've had tickets to for a good 5 months... but not so much. As many of you know, I get particularly anxious before any cardio work up, not because I think there's something wrong --- but heart babies are deceptive AND it just brings up a lot of the anxiety we felt about 10 months ago. Hard to believe it's been over 10 months since her initial surgery.. in some ways it feels like years. Yet, certain things can trigger memories which brings me back to those dark days in just an instant.

This has been one of those weeks. I have had a rotating fever since Sunday without really any other symptoms except a slightly runny nose and malaise. But it's been enough to just make me feel yucky, my mature word for the day. And it's still knocking me flat for the most party. At any rate, on Wednesday I started to notice a funny look in Q's eyes too and immediately went to the medicine cabinet to check on our tylenol and other assorted med supplies. 

Years and years ago when I was growing up, my mom could take one look at me and tell me I was getting sick. "Meggie, I can see it in your eyes." I would fight her tooth and nail on it and it used to annoy me to no end. And yet, usually within 24 hours I was down and out with some assorted cold or virus. So to be able to look at my kids' eyes, now I know what she saw. And dammit if she wasn't right. You can always tell.

By Thursday, fever was in full effect but no other symptoms except her eyes just looked feverish. And then by Friday morning, she had extremely puffy and red eye lids, was breaking out in hives all over her legs, elbows, knees and ankles, and just was plain miserable. Out of respect for all of the sick kids at TCH, we cancelled our cardiology appointment and headed to our pedi instead. Of course, the majority is a virus that just has to run it's course, but the eyes were pink eye. Awesome. Ever try to give an already irritated child drops three times a day? Super fun. Now we are in Lysol/hot wash mode and trying to keep Q away from brother. Thankfully, anytime she doesn't feel well, she won't let her daddy out of her sight, so the rest of us are pretty much of non-interest to her.

And can I just say Matt is super dad of the year? He has hardly put that child down for the last 48 hours. He just cuddles and snuggles without ceasing with almost endless patience. We are all so lucky.

So why I am telling you all about a virus and illness which I'm sure that many of you all have dealt with in your own families? Well, strangely enough and knock on wood, but with the exception of mild colds that barely touched Quinn, and a half case of the flu that only annoyed her for half a day, this is the first time she has truly been laid out like this. No smiles, no nothing. And THAT brings back horrible memories of the surgeries and just scares me to death. The other night as she just sat on the coach with the saddest look on her little face, I was brought back to that recovery room after the first surgery went bad where I wanted  so desperately to see any signs of hope or joy in my daughter's eyes. And there were none. 

Now, I am not trying to be overly dramatic because I know that within hopefully a couple of days, my Q will be back. And we will all breathe deeply and move on with life. But my point is this, no matter how far removed we are from those scary and angst-filled days, my mind still has not fully recovered. And sometimes I wonder if there will be a day that a beep from a machine doesn't transport me back to the CVICU in an instant, or a normal virus that so many toddlers get, doesn't bring me such anxiety. I hope one day it will all be a distant memory.

Here's hoping.

One thing I am pretty sure we can always count on, no matter how sick, Q will always fully accessorize. This morning she was outfitted in a full pink tutu, bracelet, 2 bows, 1 barrette, and an all pink wardrobe. That's my girl. Don't know where Miss Priss gets it : )

This was yesterday. If you know my daughter, sitting still is not exactly her strong suit. This is pretty amazing to watch her not move for hours. It's also pretty amazing to see the recent pony tail that has emerged. Good grief, that's been a long time coming : ) Next up, pig tails!

And how lucky are we to have this guy in our lives? Endless patience with the kids as soon as he gets home from work. Couldn't do it without you, babe.

Next post will be a better and more joyful one, I promise. Just needed to get that off my proverbial chest.

Love you all,