Much Too Soon...

I am saddened to write that my father-in-law, David, lost his battle with pancreatic cancer early this morning at 4:12am. His family was at his bedside when he peacefully passed on.

It goes without saying that our hearts are heavy tonight. He was taken much too soon by a devestating disease that takes the lives of way too many. As we have researched pancreatic cancer since his diagnosis, it was so troubling to find that few, if any advances, have been made in the last 20 years. It was a virtual death sentence then, and barring some miracles, it's pretty much a death sentence now. How crushing.

I will miss Matt's father so much. He was loved by so many -- the outpouring of support in Matt's hometown has been nothing short of amazing. His parents have such an incredible group of close friends, which will be even more important in the coming days. Matt's mom has been doing amazingly well under the circumstances. I have been just blown away by her strength and courage through all of this. I know God has just been holding her in the palm of His Hand - there's no doubt about that. Matt is hanging in there as well and is just being "Matt" - what can I say? His resilience and character during times of adversity is inspiring.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time Matt and I have walked this journey together - we lost my father 3 years ago in very similar circumstances and pretty much just as quickly as we lost David. Nothing ever fully prepares you for moments in time like this - but we are able to draw on some of the experiences of my dad's passing. And while recognizing that the road is tough, we know we will get through it. Our dads would want nothing less than our happiness and our smiles through our tears.

Our fathers were wonderful, wonderful people. It breaks my heart to know that our babies will never physically meet their grandaddies - but they will know them. They will know them through our stories, through our pictures, and best of all, through us just being us. We would not be the people we are today without our dads. Our lives have been immeasurably shaped and molded by all of the things they taught us. How lucky we are to have had them both here. We are especially grateful that God provided time for us to tell David that he was going to have his first grandson and another granddaughter. He had been waiting for that call and we had just prayed he would make it to find out with us. We were also able to share with him that our grandson will be his namesake, "Ryan David". Moments we will treasure forever.

I realize now more than ever that the legacy of our lives here on Earth are not formed by the luxury cars we were able to buy or the amount of money we were able to make in our lifetimes. Our truest legacy, the one that survives, is who we leave behind to treasure the memories and tell our stories. The families, the friends, all who loved you while you were here. That's what makes the indelible mark in people's lives. And that's what makes for truly a "life lived well". By those standards, Dave had the richest life you could ask for - a devoted wife, loving and well-adjusted children, hundreds of close friends --- all of whom will recall "Dave stories" for the rest of their lives. Wouldn't have it any other way. And of course, Matthew is one of those greatest legacies of David -and one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I am eternally grateful to Dave for raising such an amazing son who turned out to be a great man and husband.

Love you, David. Give my dad a hug for us. I can just see them now, up there in heaven, sarcasm flashing and Aggie jokes flying. Good times.

In Memory of:

David Ralph Clanahan

Feb. 3rd, 1947 - Jan. 31, 2010

"A Life Well Lived"

Thank you to all of my sweet friends who have emailed, called or "facebooked" me since his passing. Your prayers of support have meant so much to Matt and I both. We love you all.

In His Hands,

The Big Reveal...

Well, we just couldn't stand it ---- so we peeked today!

Our little M&M's are now a little blue one and a little pink one!

Honestly, it's more than I could have hoped for. I never completely wished out loud for one of each because we all know that God likes to keep us on our toes --- but secretly, it's what I dreamed of. We are just beside ourselves. Matt was able to come with me to the appointment and it was so cool just to see his face as he heard the babies' heartbeats (he hadn't yet heard them before). The babies were very active this morning and had no trouble getting into the right position for us to see the goods (or lack thereof, as appropriate for our baby girl).

Obviously the best news is that both of them look incredibly healthy, both great heartbeats, good blood flow, and all that awesome stuff. Praise God for that!

The only scary moment, at least for me, was almost fainting during the ultrasound. A bad combo of laying on my back for too long with a full bladder and 2 babies put some unnecessary pressure on my interior vena cava which in turn caused me to almost pass out right smack in the middle of it. They quickly turned me to my left side to let the blood flow get going again and I was much better after about 5 minutes. But man, that was scary -- everything just started to go grey and I could hear people talking but it seemed really far away. No fun -- so all you pregger people, make sure you lay on your left side as much as possible - I always knew to do that when sleeping but never thought of anything happening during an ultra sound.

For those who are wondering - Baby B is the little girl and Baby A is the little boy. Our little boy is measuring smaller than the girl by about a week, but is still right on track with being normal. Apparently, since the little girl is sitting pretty much directly on top of him, he's always going to be a bit smaller. And our a little girl is already quite the overachiever since she's measuring at 18 weeks instead of 17.

This would be a good time to note: Pregnancy brain is still in full force. Even though I labeled the previous post 18 weeks, I actually am only 17 weeks. And apparently, I am an idiot. I had to look back in my email and see how many weeks along my last "What to Expect" email said that I was. How sad is that?!?!

Anyway, I'll try to get some baby pics up here soon for all of the grandmas. Thank you for your continued prayers and blessings of health on our babies. Right now, we are just floating somewhere between Cloud 9 and Cloud 10.

In Him,

18 weeks!

I have been so terrible at blogging lately. But I never wanted it to feel like job or a "have-to". So today I am going to defer on a post for now until I can feel somewhat creative. In the meantime, my 18 or so week picture for posterity's sake only :)

First, a before preggers picture for comparison

Now, 18 weeks with twins. My, how things change

Lost: My Self-Esteem. Will pay top dollar for it's safe return!

Title kinda says it all, huh?

My self-esteem is kaput. Gone. MIA.

The thing is --- it never was too high to begin with, but if it was low before, now it's in the gutter.

No one really tells you how hard pregnancy can be on your mental state. We always talk about the physical symptoms, the morning sickness, constipation (lovely, btw!), etc - but you never hear too much about how women can be completely miserable as they lose all trace of what they used to be.

Maybe it's not like this for everyone. Maybe I'm just a bad pregnant person. And I feel guilty about that for a couple of reasons:

1. Make no mistake ---I am thrilled to actually be pregnant after years of hoping and praying

2. I have not been the most joyous wife to my husband. I'm not ugly to him, but I think he is tired of me complaining about this symptom, that zit, this new "cellulital" region (not sure if that's a word but I'm rolling with it)

I guess I just thought that I would be this round, happy, glowing woman --- and I am soooo not. Well, I am getting round, but definitely not glowing.

Yet.

With each passing week, I keep hoping that I'll wake up one day and feel gorgeous but so far, no luck. I guess I should have just appreciated my body for what it was before. I was so incredibly hard on myself when in actuality, it wasn't half bad. Not super model material obviously, but not awful. Now - well, I'm not sure I'll ever fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes again.

And that is so like me - stress about something that I won't even be able to do anything about until late summer. I think my husband is a little stressed about it too - not that he thinks I'll be fat or anything post-partum, but I think he is mentally calculating how much it would cost to restock my closet should I not be able to fit into my clothes again :) ha.

I just keep trying to remind myself that obviously all of this changing is for a wonderful reason, that my babies need to get all of the nutrition they need and I need to worry about them first. I just don't handle change really well. Maybe that's my main problem.

Gosh, what a Debbie Downer I am. Sorry!!!

Here's the bottom line: it's quite possible that God has blessed us with 2 wonderful miracles at one time because He knew I would only want to do this one time :)

In other baby-related news, the twins are the size of apples this week. I can hardly believe that! It seems so, well...grown-up! From sesame seeds to this! Blows my mind. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow just to check in and pee in a cup - then just 2 more weeks until the big gender reveal. Grandma (my mom) is just on pins and needles and is totally and 100% convinced that we have a boy and a girl. It's strange but I really don't have a feeling one way or another. For some reason, I've kind of seen myself as the mother of boys BUT I also know that God certainly seems to exercise His sense of humor in our lives, so I would not be surprised in the least if it was 2 girls :)

Also, quick update on my father-in-law, David. He was moved to hospice care about a week and a half ago. He is doing much better there than he was in the hospital --- it's just a much more relaxing atmosphere and more condusive to his ongoing care. We appreciate y'alls prayers for our family more than you know. If you know David and would like to receive updates on him via his Caring Bridge page set up by my sister-in-law, please shoot me an email and I will send you the link.

Hope you all have a wonderful week. Please keep Matty in your prayers. He is "choppering" out to the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow to spend a few nights on the rig for some project work. I HATE when he has to go out there - it just freaks me out to think of him floating on this thing in the middle of the ocean. So weird! I always heave a huge sigh of relief when he returns to dry land. To make up for having to be gone, he's bringing me back a King Cake from NOLA. YUMMY! Can't wait for that :)

In Him,

The Christmas Jar & A New Year's Resolution

The night before we left for the Texas Tour 2009, we were cooking dinner when we heard a knock on the door. We weren't expecting anyone so we didn't exactly sprint over to see who was there. When I did finally make it to the door, wiping spaghetti sauce off my hands, I found no one at the door, but instead a beautiful Christmas bag.

Bewildered, I carried inside to show Matt and not to be one to hesitate when opening presents, I immediately tore into it. I didn't see a card which was confusing to me --- but inside I found a large plastic jar brimming with dollar bills and coins...and a book called "The Christmas Jar".

Ever more confused, I started flipping through the book trying to find some indication of what the gift was about and who may have given to us. After skimming the intro and then the back pages (a cardinal sin to someone like me who is a HUGE reader), I discovered the purpose and meaning of the jar.

Someone (and we'll probably never know who) had collected change all year long and then prayed about who should anonymously receive the jar --- and that was us.

At first I was confused. I looked over at our Christmas tree which had a group of presents underneath ready for family and friends.

Why us?

And then we realized.

Not us.

For Matt's parents.

If you've read this blog for awhile, you may know that both of his parents were diagnosed with cancer within the last 2 months. Couple that with some other financial hardships in their lives, and well..it's been a tough year to say the least.

We fully believe this jar was intended for them and we were able to give it to them this past week along with a copy of the book "The Christmas Jar". The coolest thing is that his mom is now carrying the book around in her purse and has shared with all of her friends what it was all about - and has probably inspired many others to start Christmas Jars of their own.

Sometimes I am just blown away by people. Just when you think this world may be going off the deep end with people becoming more callous and bitter every day, God just up and reminds you that His Love is shining through ordinary people -and they're doing extraordinary things.

I wish I knew who gave us the jar - but I'm not sure a simple "thank you" would be enough. The money is wonderful obviously and will be incredibly helpful for Barbara and David - but more than that, it was a jar of Hope to us - and a reminder of all things good.

This year, as everyone makes their New Year's Resolutions and pledges to do all sorts of things for ourselves - exercise more, eat less, or quit smoking - why don't we do something to help others? Visit www.christmasjars.com and learn how you can be a blessing in another person's life next Christmas. Maybe dust off that empty mason jar or clean out that old coffee can, and start throwing in your extra change. We can all be lights of Hope next year.

Have a blessed and safe New Year,

Random Christmas '09

Well, Christmas 2009 consisted of our usual "Texas Tour" - wherein we travel the triangle from Houston to Austin to Dallas and back to Houston. We feel incredibly blessed to be back in Texas so we can even attempt the TX tour, but I must admit it is pretty tiring - and I am already looking forward to next year when everyone comes to Houston for Christmas. No way I am throwing two 6 month olds into the car for that extravaganza. So it will be our selfish year.

Anyway, Christmas was wonderful. We began in Austin to see Matt's family and to catch up with a few friends. Fun as always, but a little bittersweet because of his dad's health. We managed to throw back our share of tamales (a Clanahan Christmas tradition) along with other wonderful goodies. With everything going on in his family, we all decided to forgo gifts for each other - except for our princess niece Riley, of course - and just concentrate on what is truly important, which is each other. While there is something special about finding that "perfect" gift, it is definitely wonderful to just be able to enjoy each other's company as a gift. On the Wednesday before Christmas I went and had a manicure with Riley and my mother-in-law. So fun and Riley was an angel the whole time. She had her special chair and the manicurist treated her to snowmen on her toes and Santas on her fingers. Too cute.

Christmas Eve morning we packed up again and headed up to Dallas amid rumors of afternoon snow showers. Sure enough, as we made our way up 35 - down came the snow flurries. So pretty! Of course, we had to stop at our favorite Czech bakery off of 35 and pick up a few kolaches. Normally I don't allow myself such a luxury but being pregnant has completely destroyed any sort of willpower I previously had.

And it was scrumptious.

The feeding frenzy continued all through Christmas thanks to my mom's cooking and my sister-in-law's mad baking skills. I must have eaten a pound of white chocolate. In fact I get a little nauseated to even type "white chocolate". Somehow it became perfectly normal to have breakfast and wash it down with an Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookie. As always, spending Christmas up at my mom's was absolutely wonderful. I just love all of our traditions and I can't wait until Matt and I can have our own traditions for our kiddos. We were completely spoiled by presents from my mother as usual, but it's not so much the actual present that means so much - but her heart and thought behind it.

Top of the list had to be the amazing little camcorder to start recording memories of our soon-to-be family. What a great gift - and so appreciated - love you, Mom! Of course, that favorite is quickly followed by an amazing pair of maternity pants she got me, appropriately named "The Perfect Pant" --- which are by the way, perfect. They have not left my body in 2 days so I am semi-obsessed. But to wear a pair of pants and not have to hold in my stomach --- well, I just can't explain the sheer joy I feel about that. Especially considering the non-stop eating as of late.

After 4 full days in Dallas, we finally headed back yesterday to Houston. However, as soon as we got back, Matt turned around and left for Austin. His father is now in the hospital and has a few different scary things going on. I will be heading there soon as well. Please continue to keep their family in your prayers - and specifically pray that his Dad will be comfortable and out of pain.

Of course, through the midst of all of that, our little miracle M&M's continue to shine hope into our lives. I had an appointment with the OB this a.m. and finally had my first abdominal ultrasound --- no more probing, yay!!! (My FE's office only had the probe kind of ultrasound). The babies both measured wonderfully with great heartbeats - and they were moving around like crazy. Guess they must be like their daddy and actually be morning people. Definitely not like their mom, for sure!

Baby B had both hands up the entire time like he/she was on a little roller coaster and Baby A kept trying to stick his/her fingers in their mouth the entire time. It still boggles my mind that you can see all that! I have an ultrasound scheduled again for the 25th of January to find out what "flavor" the M&M's are. My patience is certainly being tested with that but I guess if I waited 2 years to even get the M&M's in my belly, I can wait another few weeks for that appointment. I'm a little sad that I won't see my babies every week like I have been used to, but kind of relieved that I only have to go to the OB every 2 weeks for now instead of every week. Anyway, that's all the baby news for now!!!

Hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas holiday and cheers to a blessed 2010 for you all!

Graduation Day!

Today was a big day. I officially graduated (sans cap and gown) from my "baby-making" doc and have been released to my "baby-maintenance" doc. What a huge relief to finally get my walking papers after 3-4 loooonnnggg months! Although I must say it was sort of bittersweet -- after all, the staff there has literally held my hand every step of the way. I sincerely love them and will miss seeing their smiling faces every week. They know so much about me and have held my hand through the tears and the joys.

I brought them some Christmas cookies and candies today as a thank you - but as soon as I handed it to them with my little card - it just seemed so insignificant. I mean, just how do you thank people who had a hand in actually creating life inside you??? I don't think Betty Crocker's finest quite does the trick. Oh well. I gave them the gift anyway and choked out my heartfelt thanks as I sprinted out of there before I completely lost it.

But onto the next chapter - and oh, that magical 12 week mark that I hit this past Saturday. It hasn't been as magical for me yet as it is for some people. I am still insanely exhausted with twinges of headaches that threaten to blow up on me. But 12 weeks does bring a huge measure of comfort and relief that wow, kids... we have made it this far! Only gosh, what - 28 weeks to go? Seems like forever. Patience has never been my most redeeming quality.

I know I haven't posted in awhile. I have had tremendous blogger's block, coupled with that aforementioned exhaustion - so my urge to write has been somewhat comprimised. Did I mention the headaches?

Seriously, there should be another word for them - headaches, migraines, whatever. Doesn't do it justice. At least it didn't last week.

Last Sunday I woke up with the all too familiar dull pounding in my head. Popped a couple of Tylenol which seemed to hold it at bay for awhile. Then my jaw started killing me. (I have horrendous TMJ thanks to years of stress-induced nightly teeth grinding and nothing.works.to.cure.that). When the jaw pain sets in, that is usually a sign that it is going to travel right back up to my head.

And sure enough Monday, that's what it did. I had just enough energy to make it through the day Monday - but by Tuesday.... oh. my.

Nothing could cure this bad boy. Not all the Tylenol with codeine in the world. Once I started getting nauseated and could not eat anything, then I just started getting frustrated. I called my OB who couldn't see me until the next day. No good. So I jumped in the car with blinding pain and drove myself to the urgent care - ONLY TO BE SHOWN THE DOOR BECAUSE THEY DON'T TREAT PREGNANT WOMEN DUE TO THE LIABILITY.

Thanks for nothing.

Got home, called my ob again and begged for relief. Without seeing me, she didn't want to prescribe anything else and asked me who my neurologist was. What?? Dude, I maybe had one or 2 migraines a year before this little thing called pregnancy. Neurologist is one of the few types of doctors I've never seen. So anyway, her final rec - go to the ER.

At this point, I was so miserable she could have told me to drive out to the beaches of High Island, jump in the water and do handstands for 30 minutes and I would have done it.

So I called the poor hubby (who has gotten more phone calls like this than I care to admit) and told him that I needed to go to the hospital. I am sure he was just thrilled. But he came home anyway and off to the ER hell we went.

I'll spare you most of the details of our 6 hour ordeal, but I will leave you with one bit of advice. Never ever say you just have a headache. That throws you down to the bottom of the list so fast your head will spin. Next time, I think I will mention that I have a little abdominal pain (which I did - but from nausea) and oh, by the way - I'm pregnant with twins. Actually, they knew that, they just didn't care since it was "just" my head.

Anyway, once we finally saw a doc, after crying to the poor accounting woman who just came in our room to collect the copay, they gave me what was supposed to be my savior shot of morphine and some anti-nausea thing. I asked how long it would take to feel some relief and they said about 10-15 minutes.

10 minutes passed. Nothing. 20 minutes. NOTHING. 30 minutes. DID IT JUST GET WORSE??

So I writhed in pain for an extra 30 minutes until they mercifully gave me some other shot with a name I can't pronounce -- but safe for babies, let me just say that.

After making sure it was truly better and that I was holding down food, they finally released me much to my exhausted hubby's relief. On the way home, I had a hankering for Chick Fil A... and well, let's just say, their whole "holding down food" test didn't quite work. It was a fun car ride home. And a fun night. I was so irritated to have broken my non-puking pregnant woman streak that I almost forgot about my head. Almost.

Until I woke up to that all too familiar pounding the next morning. And I promptly went back to sleep for 5 more hours. I'm happy to say that the migraines have been kept away as of recent, thank God. I am none to eager to visit the ER again soon, especially since I have picked up a lovely little cold - my first in a couple of years - from my little foray.

And now your day is probably complete after reading this inane post on my migraine trauma.

And if it's not, perhaps this will just make your day - my 12 week belly pic - which looks more like my "ate 14 Christmas cookies followed by 3 slices of cake" belly. But it is what it is. Actually, it's less for you than it is for me - I have decided the chances of my children getting some sort of beautifully made scrapbook is about nil and the best I can do is have this blog printed into a keepsake book.

Thus the pictures. And all the stupid details on just seemingly ordinary "stuff". They might care one day that they sent their mom to hospital with "just" a headache.

Or they may not.

And that's ok, too.

12 week pregnant belly pic.

The kiddos are the sizes of limes this week. Pardon the elastic band jeans. They are comfy. Although I feel strangely that I am 3 years old again and should be wearing a diaper with the stretchy band. Oh, and there's no face shot. There won't be until my skin decides to be on it's best behavior again.

Hope you all are enjoying this magical holiday season. And in case I don't post again before Christmas (which based on my track record as of late, there's a pretty good shot at that), have a wonderful and blessed Christmas Day!

In Him,