Never thought...

Never thought I would be this blessed.

Never thought I would be so loved.



Never thought I would laugh so hard.



Never thought I could love so much.

As little girls we all dream of our handsome prince & wonder...Who is he going to be? What will he look like? What will our wedding be like? What will it be like to be married to him? Where will we live? What will we do? How many kids will we have?

Well, I know the answer to most of these questions now.

His name is Matt. (or Matthew - but that's reserved for his parents & family - he's always been Matt to me -- well, except when I am annoyed or angry at him :) and then it's more MATTHEW!!!!!)

He is very handsome with a fabulous smile with wonderful creases and a slight dimple in his chin. Every day when I look at him - I wonder how I got so lucky. How he can see me when I first wake up & hair running wild (and I mean, WILD) - and sometimes having slept in a masque with my glasses on - and still say, "Good morning, beautiful." is beyond me. I think he needs a stronger contacts prescription to be honest with you.

Our wedding weekend was wonderful - basked in love, laughter, innocence, family, friends, dancing, poignancy, tears, memorable toasts, fabulous cakes, parties, humor, champagne, sweet sweet memories.

To be married to him: Well, that's been an adventure to say the least. Sometimes, I want to jump inside that enormous head of his (both in size & brain capacity - and I am not being mean, I have a HUGE head, too - only size wise though!) - and see what is really going on in there. He is just one of the most randomly funny people I have ever met. Often he'll say something and I'll just look at him, like, "What??". Keeps me on my toes. He's also one of the smartest people I know. But his brains are no match for his heart. He is filled with compassion & such a tender spirit. He loves without boundary. His love for God & his willingness and excitement to serve Him is such an inspiration to me and to many.

I still learn new things about him each day. For example, tonight I learned that when he has a thought in his head & needs to refocus his attention to something else, he mentally visualizes a door shutting & locking in one part of his brain and sees himself opening a new door for the new thoughts. WHAT?!? Only an engineer does that, that's all I will say. To "compartmentalize" is I think what they call it. Or something really geeky like that.

Looking back on the past 6 years or so - I know now that all those twists and turns we took a couple of years ago were helping to prepare us for what was coming. The whole baby thing. And this "whole baby thing" will prepare our hearts and strengthen us even more for the inevitable future challenges that lay ahead. I can say with almost 100% certainity had we found out about this infertility situation before the "character building" we survived, we probably wouldn't have made it. But God knows what He is doing. We just have to make ourselves available to let Him do it. That's the hard part for sure. Breaking, emptying yourself, being so desperate...it's intensely painful and let's be honest, not a whole lot of fun. But wow, the rewards are tremendous.

We don't have all the answers. We still get it wrong some days. We act unloving when we should show love. We are disrespectful when we should show respect. We can still exchange ugly words that we don't mean in the heat of battle. We are not always the couple God intended us to be.

But we keep trying. Trying to get it right. Every day our marriage is a choice. We choose to love one another, to respect one another, to pray for one another, to support one another. Today I chose love, tomorrow I will choose love, so it goes to the next and the next and the next.

"Not that I have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:12-14).

That's one of my favorite scriptures for just life in general - and perfectly suited for our marriage. We forgive, we forge ahead, and always keep our eyes focused on God. We can't fail if we do that.

I pray more than anything that one day (soon!) I can answer that last question, "how many kids will we have?" But that's not in my control. Yikes, I hate that!!! But I am giving it to God this time. I haven't done so hot when I've tried to handle things on my own.

But of course, how precious would it be to have a little Matty running around? That's what I want more than anything. To see my husband being a father. Cause he would be fabulous. I just know it.