Fear. Fear Not. Clean.

So the impending injection date draws ever so near (This Weds - yikes!!!!!). And as it grows closer, I get a little more nervous with every passing hour. It's not the needles that bother me, thank God. With all of my previous surgeries/ER visits/drs appts - I am not afraid of needles or even fearful of injecting myself. That stuff just doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is what all of the needle pokes actually mean.

It is the first real chance that Matt & I have to conceive - and I am so scared.

What if I haven't done enough to prepare?

Have I read enough?

Have I researched enough?

Have I gotten my body in the best possible shape to deal with this "stuff"?

And more importantly, have I emotionally prepared myself enough for this roller coaster?

I don't know.

I don't know that you are ever ready for children.

In fact, I am pretty sure you never really are.

But here we are. We have a potential time table and if it works, a due date to look forward to. And be scared of just the same.

This isn't really like me - the whole "scared" thing. Generally speaking, when I decide I am going to do something big, then consequences be damned - and I go with it full speed ahead and usually just fly through it. This feels different. Maybe because it affects way more than just me.

It will affect my husband, my family, my friends who have followed me on this journey. And I don't want to be sad. And I don't want them to be sad either.

But I have to keep going back to where I started - that I believe God has paved the way for this to happen for us - positive or negative result (pun intended). There is a reason. Of that I am confident and 100% sure. Doesn't mean that I can't be scared I guess. :)

However, one of my friends shared with me that in the Bible, God says "Fear not" 365 times exactly. One for each day of the year. He's got us covered every single day. If that can't bring me some measure of comfort, I don't know what will.

On a slightly different but somewhat related note ---what happens when a girl has a lot of nervous energy, tons of thoughts running through her crazy brain?

She decides to clean out the closet.

This was harder than just deciding what doesn't fit anymore or what I don't like. I felt some pressure to hold onto some of my "larger" clothes because they may (hopefully) be needed soon. There isn't a huge assortment of these items in my closet now but enough to make me stop & think before I tossed it in the goodwill bag. Mostly jeans and stuff - which happen to take up the most room space-wise, unfortunately.

I really didn't realize how much weight I gained post-Hurricane and with the subsequent move to Houston - until I found some old pictures on i-photo this past weekend and was kind of fascinated how I could grow like that. Weird to look back and think at the time I didn't realize it. Or I guess care really care about it. But before you say anything --- I am not talking a huge amount of weight and I don't have a complex about it (ok,well, maybe a little, teensy, eensy one)--- but enough weight for me to see a dramatic difference in before and after. I guess grief does weird things to people. Some people don't eat after traumatic events. I apparently join the group that partcipates in the overreating and spinach & artichoke dip appetizer indulging. Plus, I am only 5'3 and every little pound shows up. If I was 5'10, then it wouldn't really matter as much.

Oh geez, I can't tell a lie. I'm like 5'1 on a good day with a slight heel.

Anyway, I was able to get through enough "stuff" to fill up 2 massive suitcases of clothes and shoes. I think what I found most pathetic, besides the number of clothes I have only worn a time or two (or the "few" that I have not worn at all - yes, Matt, I am admitting it to the world!) - is the fact that my daily uniform is some variation on Target pj pants, scrub tops, tshirts and athletic shorts. My "dressing up" days are limited to one or two weekend nights & church. And even for church I sometimes only manage to pull on a church tshirt & jeans. Pretty sad. I have cute clothes I guess - just nowhere to wear them. I found out quickly that the dog could care less if I am dressed to the nines or not.

I am currently awaiting a call from "What Not to Wear". However, they would have trouble catching the daytime footage of me since I rarely leave the house except to check the mail. I can only imagine my impressive array of tshirts and cotton pjs will only grow as I do (prayerfully). And then I will really be ready for Stacy & Clinton. I can already see them pitching my thousands of tshirts into a massive garbage can and exclaiming that no self-respecting woman should be caught dead in this many variations of Champion workout clothes. Especially if you haven't actually worked out in days.

Anyway, so the closet is done. Next up, the drawers. Oh, the joy. And besides the "Great Clean-out of '09" assisting with my nerves, I guess I am just expecting the worst when these hormones start coursing through my veins. I am preparing to feel fat, gross and tired - and not much for clean out madness. I started having a mini panic attack thinking of the other guest bedroom clothes full of boxes and clothes that have haphazardly been stored away. If we do get preggers, I have some major work ahead of me to make room for baby. I know, we are talking about something that is 10-11 months away - but that is so me - start worrying about something that hasn't even happened. Nice, Meg.

In other random news - tonight I have my first knitting lesson (in an effort to become more balanced & find a more respectable hobby than watching tv or playing on facebook). Our first project? You guessed it... a baby hat. Apparently, that's one of the easier things to learn. So if invitro doesn't work, someone has an adorable baby hat coming to them. Or maybe I'll just Goodwill it along with everything else.

Happy Monday, y'all :)

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Lisa said...

Okay so I guess my scarf is second on the list?

And yes no person is ever ready to be a parent. No books, no advice from other parents, no grandparents even can prepare you for it. Haven't you ever heard that kids don't come with instructions?!

Lisa said...

One day at a time...and sorry, one pound at a time too...trust me :) I have my pre-pregnancy weight and my pre-invitro weight calculated. Just don't make the same mistake I did and tell your OB your pre-invitro date to calculate weight gain from...that just adds 10 pounds of depression...

The Wests said...

Hey Meagan!! Love the blog; I'm going to check it often.