The Dreaded "BR" - and I don't mean Baton Rouge

Yup - the good ole BR.

Bed Rest.

Me.

Pooh.

Actually it could be worse - it's only modified bed rest which pretty much means that I am limited to movements around the house and it's not recommended I go on 2 or 3 hour shopping adventures. I'll still be able to work regularly for the most part as long as I keep my feet up and all that good stuff.

And thank goodness for credit cards, pay pal and the internet.

Still, I was pretty disappointed to have this happen at only 21 weeks. Kinda made me feel like a failure in some ways. But I am willing to do whatever.it.takes to keep these kiddos baking for as long as possible.

So today was a pretty bizarre day. I had my routine ultrasound and doctor's visit this morning and quite frankly, after a dozen of these, I was pretty much sure I would breeze through it, grab my bagel sandwich from my favorite deli, and then be heading home. Not so much.

Apparently, during the ultrasound, it looked like my cervix was softening or shortening or funneling or something equally not good. When my doctor checked me, I wasn't dilated or anything but it gave her enough concern to schedule a procedure this afternoon to put a stitch in my cervix.

I knew I was in trouble when she asked me when was the last time I ate or drank.

And then I immediately regretted that I only had one of my precious Thin Mint cookies after breakfast instead of the customary 3 or 4.

Anyway, they knocked me out at 5:30pm tonight and I was home thankfully in time to catch the majority of the Bachelor Tell-All and scarf down a huge sandwich and fries. Followed by a Sonic candy sundae. Oh, the important things in life, huh?

(It should be noted that the charge nurse warned me to only have a light meal tonight and nothing greasy or heavy since "your stomach is the last thing to wake up after general anesthesia". Ummm yeah. Pretty sure that little warning shouldn't be for a pregnant woman with twins who hasn't eaten since 6:30am. And I feel perfectly fine. And actually still kinda hungry. What's for breakfast?)

All went well and hopefully this will be the last little scare and these little guys can get comfy for the next 16 or 17 weeks. If that means 16 or 17 weeks of Bravo Housewife marathons and pajama pants, bring it on.

Indecisiveness

Gone is any decision making ability I previously possessed. For the last few weeks, I have noticed I am unable to have an opinion on almost everything. This is so unlike me. I have always been somewhat impulsive and once I decided to do something, it was full speed ahead - darn the consequences in some instances.

It's served us well in the past I guess - we bought our home here in Houston after just 7 hours of looking, never to look back. I picked out the tile, paint color, cabinet stain, crown molding, etc in just a matter of an hour or so. And I still like it.

When I go grocery shopping, I usually go with a list but I am never afraid to deviate if I see something that strikes my fancy. I just throw it in the cart and don't really think about it.

Now, I am almost paralyzed.

The grocery store has become a form of torture. I walk back and forth from aisle to meat counter back to aisle back to meat counter, just trying to decide what dinner's going to be. Yesterday, I did something I've never done... I was all set thinking we were going to have steak and potatoes upon entry to the grocery store. Well, I got to the meat counter and instead of steak, I opted for some stuffed chicken breasts.

After perusing the aisles a bit more and doing some serious thinking, I decided that stuffed chicken breasts were not going to be acceptable and I wanted steak instead. So I headed back for the meat counter and handed back my package of chicken breasts to the butcher and asked for 2 ribeyes instead. The bewildered butcher looked at me like no one had ever returned meat to the counter before - and all I could do was point to my belly, and say "that's not what they decided they preferred for dinner."

Lord.

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours with my hubby in Rice Village to go baby stuff shopping. He was determined to get me a diaper bag for some reason and I was super excited. I mean, how many times does the hubby actually say "I want to take you shopping and I want you to get whatever diaper bag you want." Well, he said that - but once he saw that some of the designer models were well over $200, he changed that tune pretty quickly. However, we went in and out of 6 or so pregnancy/maternity/baby stores in the area.

Guess what I didn't come home with?

A diaper bag. Or much else for that matter.

Couldn't make up my mind. At all. For a diaper bag. Geez. (And yes, I do realize how much life has changed that a diaper bag can trigger an afternoon of shopping. I used to shop for clothes. But I have since abandoned that pasttime and instead live in the same pair of black pant every.single.day.)

All we had to show for our little shopping extravaganza was a tiny little A&M infant cap for Ryan to wear home from the hospital (our currently no-named little girl will wear an LSU one for her momma) and "What to Expect in the First Year" (We have moved from pregnancy books into "first year" books since we realized that we have about zero idea about what we are in for in just a few short months).

Man, that always happens - cash in hand, willing husband --- nothing purchased.

I came home and surfed the internet for probably another 2 hours looking for a diaper bag. Pretty sad.

My mornings are spent with the refrigerator door wide open as I debate breakfast options. I used to just have the same thing every morning, turkey sandwich and cheetos (don't judge - I'm allergic to eggs so most breakfast options are closed to me!). Now, I jump between sandwiches, cereals, frozen waffles and god knows what else. Usually, I start pulling the stuff out on the counter to have whatever I have finally decided on, only to change my mind, put all the stuff back (sometimes after it's been made) and pull out something else.

Pretty sure I am losing it but the best breakfast to date was a small bowl of cereal, a waffle, bacon, and a half PB&J. All cause I couldn't make up my mind. That's where the pregnancy pounds come from - not from intentionally overeating, but because you can't make up your mind so you just go for it all.

Now I'm off to eat my grilled chicken salad with a side of french fries. Cause I couldn't decide what sounded better.

Pregnancy Randoms...

Oh, gosh - I have been so terrible about blogging lately. But actually I have an excuse - I have been 100%, completely exhausted at night. Some days it's all I can do to get through work and get dinner on the table (ie: call local Pizza place & arrange for delivery). Some women get lucky and feel just wonderful in their 2nd trimester - me, I get anemic. Severely.

I'm glad there is at least a reason I have no energy, but honestly it's the heart palpitations, shortness of breath and verge of passing out that's really bothering me.

Girls, eat lots of things with iron, that's all I can say. Chicken livers apparently is the highest in iron counts but I haven't yet reached that level of desperation. I'll take my 2 iron pills daily, thanks.

Ironically, the iron pills can only be absorbed when you have an empty stomach. Anyone else see a problem with this?

My stomach is NEVER empty. Even in the middle of the night thanks to 2am M&M and anything chocolate cravings.

Anyway, I am just trying to get through this whole anemic thing and pray that the iron pills kick in soon. I think the other main problem is that these children are determined to sit right on my artery behind my uterus so if I am sitting for too long, then it causes me to feel like I am going to pass out.

I think my friends at the bagel place were super impressed when I walked in, ordered my sandwich, and found the nearest bench to lay down on so I wouldn't pass out. Happened at the dog kennel, too. Awesome.

BUT besides all of this - I am more excited every day about these little ones. They are moving and somersaulting now which is the coolest & most peculiar feeling. I can't wait until Matt can actually feel them. I am almost 21 weeks so over halfway there. Really, I only have about 3 1/2 months assuming I make it to 38 weeks. Praise the Lord!

I guess we are doing pretty well on getting the baby stuff up and going -- Matt has painted the "nursery", we've ordered the furniture (yes, 2 cribs & how all that furniture is going to fit in the room will be an engineering and organizational nightmare. Wondering if we can stack them like bunk beds? ha), received the bedding, and starting registering.

For those who even remotely care, our bedding is from Restoration Hardware Baby & Child and is a combo of polka dots and stripes in a color called "Silver Sage". I adore it. I really was tempted to do one pink set and one blue set and have them in matching patterns but it brought up all sorts of vagueness - like what color do I paint the walls? So to avoid that little headache - and because I am lazy & tired (see above), we went with the same color. They will have their names above their crib in some form or fashion just as soon as I can convince my husband that paying $10 per wooden letter is not completely insane.

Ok, so it's kind of insane. But when I compare it to his offer to make the letters himself with some fancy tool and imagine the headache of that day --- well, I think it's pretty darn reasonable.

Registering was a whole other ball of fun - but I will say my hubby was pretty darn cool about the whole thing. He walked around with his insane pregnant wife for 2 hours in Babies R Us as I debated pros and cons of nipples on 15 different kinds of bottles and all things breastfeeding. Registering with an engineer is always an interesting experience - he tends to be so logical about these things and not evaluate the items by the really important things --- the color, the patterns, everything that is meaningful to me.

Something I have been really bad at is taking belly pics. I am finally really starting to show so I am going to be better about this. And next time I post a pic, it will have my face in it, I promise! It's just that Matt usually takes it late at night when he gets home and that kind of hair atrocity has no business being posted on the world wide web.

So here's a 20 week picture:

And today we hit another milestone -- I was at Subway and a girl in line actually asked me how far along I was! Whoo - hoo! That was the first time that someone actually noticed I was preggers OR was brave enough to ask.

My stomach grows every day - kind of amazing actually. Every night Matt gets home, his eyes go straight to my belly and they widen a little bit - like he's forgotten that I am pregnant and he's surprised everytime to see this little belly. ha. But it does make it very real for him now that it's completely noticeable and on the days I don't feel like cooking... well, I just point to the belly and no questions are asked when I speed dial Pepperonis.

Tonight, however -- I am cooking dinner! The miracle of all miracles. And then my kitchen is closed for the rest of the weekend.

In Him,

Much Too Soon...

I am saddened to write that my father-in-law, David, lost his battle with pancreatic cancer early this morning at 4:12am. His family was at his bedside when he peacefully passed on.

It goes without saying that our hearts are heavy tonight. He was taken much too soon by a devestating disease that takes the lives of way too many. As we have researched pancreatic cancer since his diagnosis, it was so troubling to find that few, if any advances, have been made in the last 20 years. It was a virtual death sentence then, and barring some miracles, it's pretty much a death sentence now. How crushing.

I will miss Matt's father so much. He was loved by so many -- the outpouring of support in Matt's hometown has been nothing short of amazing. His parents have such an incredible group of close friends, which will be even more important in the coming days. Matt's mom has been doing amazingly well under the circumstances. I have been just blown away by her strength and courage through all of this. I know God has just been holding her in the palm of His Hand - there's no doubt about that. Matt is hanging in there as well and is just being "Matt" - what can I say? His resilience and character during times of adversity is inspiring.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time Matt and I have walked this journey together - we lost my father 3 years ago in very similar circumstances and pretty much just as quickly as we lost David. Nothing ever fully prepares you for moments in time like this - but we are able to draw on some of the experiences of my dad's passing. And while recognizing that the road is tough, we know we will get through it. Our dads would want nothing less than our happiness and our smiles through our tears.

Our fathers were wonderful, wonderful people. It breaks my heart to know that our babies will never physically meet their grandaddies - but they will know them. They will know them through our stories, through our pictures, and best of all, through us just being us. We would not be the people we are today without our dads. Our lives have been immeasurably shaped and molded by all of the things they taught us. How lucky we are to have had them both here. We are especially grateful that God provided time for us to tell David that he was going to have his first grandson and another granddaughter. He had been waiting for that call and we had just prayed he would make it to find out with us. We were also able to share with him that our grandson will be his namesake, "Ryan David". Moments we will treasure forever.

I realize now more than ever that the legacy of our lives here on Earth are not formed by the luxury cars we were able to buy or the amount of money we were able to make in our lifetimes. Our truest legacy, the one that survives, is who we leave behind to treasure the memories and tell our stories. The families, the friends, all who loved you while you were here. That's what makes the indelible mark in people's lives. And that's what makes for truly a "life lived well". By those standards, Dave had the richest life you could ask for - a devoted wife, loving and well-adjusted children, hundreds of close friends --- all of whom will recall "Dave stories" for the rest of their lives. Wouldn't have it any other way. And of course, Matthew is one of those greatest legacies of David -and one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I am eternally grateful to Dave for raising such an amazing son who turned out to be a great man and husband.

Love you, David. Give my dad a hug for us. I can just see them now, up there in heaven, sarcasm flashing and Aggie jokes flying. Good times.

In Memory of:

David Ralph Clanahan

Feb. 3rd, 1947 - Jan. 31, 2010

"A Life Well Lived"

Thank you to all of my sweet friends who have emailed, called or "facebooked" me since his passing. Your prayers of support have meant so much to Matt and I both. We love you all.

In His Hands,

The Big Reveal...

Well, we just couldn't stand it ---- so we peeked today!

Our little M&M's are now a little blue one and a little pink one!

Honestly, it's more than I could have hoped for. I never completely wished out loud for one of each because we all know that God likes to keep us on our toes --- but secretly, it's what I dreamed of. We are just beside ourselves. Matt was able to come with me to the appointment and it was so cool just to see his face as he heard the babies' heartbeats (he hadn't yet heard them before). The babies were very active this morning and had no trouble getting into the right position for us to see the goods (or lack thereof, as appropriate for our baby girl).

Obviously the best news is that both of them look incredibly healthy, both great heartbeats, good blood flow, and all that awesome stuff. Praise God for that!

The only scary moment, at least for me, was almost fainting during the ultrasound. A bad combo of laying on my back for too long with a full bladder and 2 babies put some unnecessary pressure on my interior vena cava which in turn caused me to almost pass out right smack in the middle of it. They quickly turned me to my left side to let the blood flow get going again and I was much better after about 5 minutes. But man, that was scary -- everything just started to go grey and I could hear people talking but it seemed really far away. No fun -- so all you pregger people, make sure you lay on your left side as much as possible - I always knew to do that when sleeping but never thought of anything happening during an ultra sound.

For those who are wondering - Baby B is the little girl and Baby A is the little boy. Our little boy is measuring smaller than the girl by about a week, but is still right on track with being normal. Apparently, since the little girl is sitting pretty much directly on top of him, he's always going to be a bit smaller. And our a little girl is already quite the overachiever since she's measuring at 18 weeks instead of 17.

This would be a good time to note: Pregnancy brain is still in full force. Even though I labeled the previous post 18 weeks, I actually am only 17 weeks. And apparently, I am an idiot. I had to look back in my email and see how many weeks along my last "What to Expect" email said that I was. How sad is that?!?!

Anyway, I'll try to get some baby pics up here soon for all of the grandmas. Thank you for your continued prayers and blessings of health on our babies. Right now, we are just floating somewhere between Cloud 9 and Cloud 10.

In Him,

18 weeks!

I have been so terrible at blogging lately. But I never wanted it to feel like job or a "have-to". So today I am going to defer on a post for now until I can feel somewhat creative. In the meantime, my 18 or so week picture for posterity's sake only :)

First, a before preggers picture for comparison

Now, 18 weeks with twins. My, how things change

Lost: My Self-Esteem. Will pay top dollar for it's safe return!

Title kinda says it all, huh?

My self-esteem is kaput. Gone. MIA.

The thing is --- it never was too high to begin with, but if it was low before, now it's in the gutter.

No one really tells you how hard pregnancy can be on your mental state. We always talk about the physical symptoms, the morning sickness, constipation (lovely, btw!), etc - but you never hear too much about how women can be completely miserable as they lose all trace of what they used to be.

Maybe it's not like this for everyone. Maybe I'm just a bad pregnant person. And I feel guilty about that for a couple of reasons:

1. Make no mistake ---I am thrilled to actually be pregnant after years of hoping and praying

2. I have not been the most joyous wife to my husband. I'm not ugly to him, but I think he is tired of me complaining about this symptom, that zit, this new "cellulital" region (not sure if that's a word but I'm rolling with it)

I guess I just thought that I would be this round, happy, glowing woman --- and I am soooo not. Well, I am getting round, but definitely not glowing.

Yet.

With each passing week, I keep hoping that I'll wake up one day and feel gorgeous but so far, no luck. I guess I should have just appreciated my body for what it was before. I was so incredibly hard on myself when in actuality, it wasn't half bad. Not super model material obviously, but not awful. Now - well, I'm not sure I'll ever fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes again.

And that is so like me - stress about something that I won't even be able to do anything about until late summer. I think my husband is a little stressed about it too - not that he thinks I'll be fat or anything post-partum, but I think he is mentally calculating how much it would cost to restock my closet should I not be able to fit into my clothes again :) ha.

I just keep trying to remind myself that obviously all of this changing is for a wonderful reason, that my babies need to get all of the nutrition they need and I need to worry about them first. I just don't handle change really well. Maybe that's my main problem.

Gosh, what a Debbie Downer I am. Sorry!!!

Here's the bottom line: it's quite possible that God has blessed us with 2 wonderful miracles at one time because He knew I would only want to do this one time :)

In other baby-related news, the twins are the size of apples this week. I can hardly believe that! It seems so, well...grown-up! From sesame seeds to this! Blows my mind. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow just to check in and pee in a cup - then just 2 more weeks until the big gender reveal. Grandma (my mom) is just on pins and needles and is totally and 100% convinced that we have a boy and a girl. It's strange but I really don't have a feeling one way or another. For some reason, I've kind of seen myself as the mother of boys BUT I also know that God certainly seems to exercise His sense of humor in our lives, so I would not be surprised in the least if it was 2 girls :)

Also, quick update on my father-in-law, David. He was moved to hospice care about a week and a half ago. He is doing much better there than he was in the hospital --- it's just a much more relaxing atmosphere and more condusive to his ongoing care. We appreciate y'alls prayers for our family more than you know. If you know David and would like to receive updates on him via his Caring Bridge page set up by my sister-in-law, please shoot me an email and I will send you the link.

Hope you all have a wonderful week. Please keep Matty in your prayers. He is "choppering" out to the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow to spend a few nights on the rig for some project work. I HATE when he has to go out there - it just freaks me out to think of him floating on this thing in the middle of the ocean. So weird! I always heave a huge sigh of relief when he returns to dry land. To make up for having to be gone, he's bringing me back a King Cake from NOLA. YUMMY! Can't wait for that :)

In Him,