Rambling, Random Thoughts

I have been a bad blogger as of late. Just a whole lotta nothin' going on here in quiet little Richmond. Except for the heat. And I refuse to complain about the oppressive, sticky, sauna-like, hell-on-earth, that is our Houston summer this year. Well. That's the last time I'll complain about it. Even Max goes outside for about 30 seconds to lay on the ground, soak up his Vitamin D's, and then he is done - sprints inside like he's been in the desert for 40 days without food or water.

Max & his halo - what an angel!

The most excitement we've had around here was Max's surgery to remove a large hematoma from his ear. Poor baby. He was NOT a happy camper for a couple of days but yesterday they finally took off his horrendous bandages and is MUCH better today. Back to my sweet and cuddly puppy. With about 10 purple sutures. Yes, purple. I don't know if our wonderful vet did it on purpose, but I liked it :) I asked her if she could possibly put in a little gold next time, especially if it is during football season...but then I thought about the $400+ I just spent on said surgery, and I think we can make Max festive for LSU football in a cheaper way. Just sayin'...

Matt reading Maxie a bedtime story :) ha

The weirdest thing about Max having his little surgery is how Matt & I reacted it to it. We normally have a very, very low maintentance dog who truly just requires love, food, & a bed/couch. And he's happy. So for him to be so needy the past couple of days, whew - I seriously am exhausted! And exhausted from worrying about him. I think it was a small, teeny-tiny taste of how we might feel when we have a child and he/she is sick and we can't do anything to fix it. It's the most helpless feeling. You just want your baby to feel better more than anything. And it made it darn near impossible to work from home this week in a productive fashion --- I always had one eye on Max to make sure he wasn't scratching and I was constantly listening to make sure he wasn't moaning or whining or vomiting. Lovely. Doesn't make for a very condusive work-place environment.

Matt wanted to know what Max was going through.

I tried to tell Matt that working from home after we have a kid might be darn near-impossible and I think he just ignored it. So I almost launched into a "mom-like" speech: "Do you know what I have been doing all day? Taking care of YOUR child. Making sure he wasn't bleeding all over the couch. That he was comfortable. That he had a special lunch. If you think it's so easy, you stay home." I stopped short. Not a good plan - he had a rough day at work. About 11 months too early for that little lecture. But I think I will place it in my backpocket. Just in case.

Speaking of preparation for having a child, I have been having lots of thoughts lately. By now, most of you know we are going to start invitro in the fall. We really wanted to take one last vacation before we started all of that mess, so our plans were put on hold for the summer. It has been both a blessing and a curse. I am very much an impulsive person. Once I decide to do something, I am pretty much ready to go and would rather worry about it later.

This waiting period, however, has given me wayyyyy too much time to think and ponder the what'ifs. So now, I'm not sleeping well. I am researching way too much. I am reading all these infertility blogs, simultaneously getting my hopes up only to have them dashed after I read about people on the 3rd, 4th or 5th rounds with no success.

And then I started thinking something that was completely out of my character: maybe I don't want to start this. Once we start, there is the potential that there will be a lot of hurt to follow if it doesn't work. I don't want to hurt. I've hurt too much this past year. Maybe I just need to be happy with my little quiet life and my little quiet dog and my wonderful husband.

But I don't think that is the plan God has for us. I think He has laid the groundwork for us to walk through this, and so, with a lot of prayer, I still feel comfortable launching into it - headfirst - whether the results be elation or devestation.

So I made a decision the other night. No more surfing the net reading infertility blogs. No more research on 3 day transfers, 5 day transfers, blastocysts, ICSI, or any other fertility acronoym.


I just can't do it anymore. I care about those & pray for those who I have read about who are in the midst of their infertility battles. And I will continue to pray for those people whole-heartedly. And I admire those who can use this as an outlet and support system for their infertility. I just don't think that's me right now. Maybe I'll feel differently when I am actually "in the game" and not waiting on the sidelines.

But for now, for the good of my mental health, I just need to focus on getting myself ready, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Daily, I must remind myself to turn this over to God. He is the only one who knows the path we will walk down in August and September. He knows what will happen and what the results will be. It won't be based on other people's experiences, both good and bad, not based on how much I know about blasts, 3dts, BCPs or anything else, but based solely upon His plans for us and our family.

And He just has to be enough for me right now.


Hope said...

I totally understand. I actually went offline for almost a week when I was traveling, etc and I did feel better when I didn't read about all the disappointment. It is so good in some respects to have the support of others, but it can bring you down. Your time is coming! Hang in there! Life can surprise you :)

Amy said...

Father in Heaven,
Remind Meagan and Matt of what you've told us in Jeremiah, that You know the plans that you have for them, plans to prosper them and not harm them, to give them a future and a hope.

You have personally placed it on their hearts-- the desire to be a mommy and a daddy. The spiritual gifts You've given them are the makings of wonderful parents. The children You give them will be so blessed with these gifts.

Remind them today and each day as they move closer to this path You've chosen for them, that this desire and these gifts were given to them by YOU.

Provide them Your peace. Even as they are tempted to doubt and worry, come into the middle of their fears and calm their hearts.

For it is in Your Son's name I pray,


Heather said...

I like your attitude, I also have a hard time living in the present sometimes. Hang in there, and enjoy where you are! And have a fun vacation!!