I'm a walking cliche

So I have become a walking cliche for pregnancy (ughhh - and I can't figure out how to put the little accent of the "e", so just pretend it's there). I always giggled a bit when you would hear these outrageous cravings and strange aversions. Always thought that person was lacking a little in the self-control department.

Turns out I am that person.

I really don't know how my body is already having so many of these symptoms. It seems so early. But I know everyone is different. And if one more person tells me that I won't need maternity until 4 or 5 months, I'm going to throw a shoe at them. My jeans are already tighter than they were on Monday (I know, pathetic that I haven't worn "real" pants in 5 days) --- and I don't have the dryer to blame it on. And I can't blame it on weight gain cause I really haven't gained a pound yet. It's just like my hips or something are spreading. Awesome.

The other day I was mindlessly walking through the grocery (our NEW Kroger Marketplace - whoo hoo, the excitement!!!) talking to my friend on the phone. Totally engrossed in our conversation and not paying attention to what I was throwing in my cart. If it sounded good or looked good, it went in.

I hung up with my friend, proceeded to check-out, and started unloading my cart.

Oh, the horror - I just sat there and stared at what I had picked up without even really recognizing it. On the belt was the following:

2 kinds of pork chops because I couldn't decide which ones looked better

1 package of chicken in case the pork did not sound good

1 LARGE jar of dill pickles

Gingerbread cake mix

2 containers of Blue Bell ice cream because again the decision-making proved too challenging

Ice cream sandwiches

2 pregnancy magazines

Oh my word.

And the other night I finally decided I was ready to get back in the cooking game. So I hit up my Food Network mag, found what I thought would be a great recipe and went to work on it. About halfway through I was having doubts. By the time I served it up, I just couldn't stomach the thought of eating it and sat there miserably until my wonderful husband offered to go to Subway for me (hey, our fine dining options are limited out in the 'burbs and their new Buffalo chicken is pretty darn good)

I am a freaking pregnancy cliche. Everything I used to laugh at, I am not. Payback is awesome.

I really wish I had other stories to tell (and I know I keep saying that - I really need a hobby!) but honestly I have been too bone dead tired to go anywhere or really do anything outside the occasional lunch or dinner with Matt or a friend. It's all I can do to prop my head up at work right now. And working from home can be an axis of evil when you're pregnant. My bed taunts me all day long and it takes all the power I have to resist it every hour, on the hour.

The other news for today: My levels are now a 2965 - right on track. Praise God! I was soooo nervous for some reason this afternoon before I got the call. I just kept thinking that something could go wrong and then what would I do? I know that it's still extremely early and if I had been able to get preggers naturally, I probably wouldn't be so apt to share the news with everyone so early. Oh well, I just can't keep my mouth shut :) The other good news is that they moved up my ultrasound from Weds to Monday because with my levels, they feel like we definitely should be able to see something Monday. I'm not going to argue with that!!! So in just a few days we will see if we have one little bean or two. CRAZY!!! I'm still totally adjusting to the fact that we may be parents - parents of twins may send me over the edge. ha.

Thank you all for your sweet comments, emails, and phone calls. I feel like the luckiest girl alive right now. And now, I must leave you - my stomach is growling and I am growing faint. After all, it's been a full 3 or 4 hours since I last ate!

Have a great Halloween weekend!

Turns out I can keep a secret!

I'm obviously not good at keeping things to myself. My blog is a perfect example of that. But for me it's always been better to be candid and open - I don't know, it just works for me. I know, it's not for everyone.

So seeing as how I have a tough time keeping things to myself (which btw, only includes secrets about me, not about other people - so if you are a friend, I always keep your secrets!) - would you be surprised to know that I knew I was pregnant a full day before anyone else? And I didn't tell anyone - not even my husband?!!

Shocked me too.

I have to admit I almost busted out with the news several times but I wanted confirmation before I said anything. So anyway, I ended up being a bad girl and against my doctor's advice took a pregnancy test on Thursday afternoon. I don't know why, except that I just knew. My body was just feeling different and I wanted to know.

So I hightailed it to Walgreens, bought a massive box of tests, came home and took it. It wasn't even morning pee so I wasn't really expecting to see anything. So imagine my shock when I walked into the bathroom and saw a big fat plus sign staring me in the face. I was so surprised, I picked up the test with trembling hands, saw that little positive and immediately dropped it on the floor.

After 3 years of taking multiple tests and seeing N.O.T.H.I.N.G. over and over and over - I couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't even know my body was capable of producing a positive sign! Oh, but it is :)

Now it just feels weird to say "I'm pregnant". It sounds foreign to me, like it doesn't belong with me. I equate it kind of when you get married and your new last name doesn't seem to feel just "right" yet. It rolls off your tongue awkwardly for a few months until finally one day you don't turn around and look for your mother-in-law when somone calls you "Mrs. Clanahan".

Oh, and I already have symptoms. That is crazy to me! How your body can change so much overnnight is insane. All I can say is that this bloated belly (thanks to the nightly progesterone shots and the estrogen) is going to be in maternity jeans before I even get used to the word "pregnant". And I don't look pregnant. I just look and feel fat.

I always promised myself that if I did get pregnant that I wouldn't complain about the symptoms and would welcome them with open arms. Well, I think I kind of overshot that one a little bit because I am soooo complaining about it. Even though I'm grateful to be pregnant. I just have a hard time not complaining when I get nauseated just watching the Food Network. That's my favorite channel and it's ruined for me right now.

Anyway, enough rambling as usual - the stats from today's blood work are in. Levels rose from a 243 Friday to a 727 today! Everything looks great. Twins are still in the realm of possibility. We scheduled our first ultrasound for next Weds to check out how many are in there. And technically, I am 5 weeks along on Saturday. Seems weird since my transfer was not even 2 weeks ago - but they go back and calculate now from the 1st day of your last period. I'm like a regular pregnant person now! Except I go to the doctor 2-3 times a week to check out everything :)

So today was a good day. God is so good! Y'all have a great Monday. I'm going to go eat some pickle, cheese and cracker sandwiches now. Don't knock it till you try it. Oh, and I will do my best to think of something non-preggers/infertility related to blog about next time. Hard to do when I only get out to go to said doctor's appointments but I'll do my best!

And a little FF (Fun Fact) for you...if everything stays on course, my official due date right now is the 4th of July!

Can you see my smile from here???

Thrilled to announce that we are definitely PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

I don't even have words now to write a full post - I am in such shock. But I will tell you that my HCG level was 243 (8 days post transfer). So there is no doubt! Could be twins perhaps??!! We'll see :) For now, my excitement is somewhat tempered in that I know we still have a few hoops to jump through. Will you continue to pray and pray specifically that the levels more than double this weekend for my blood test Monday? Thank you all - there is no doubt in my mind that this is such a God thing. We are so blessed.

Love,

Messing with my Mind

My body is messing with my mind.

Or I guess I should say that the meds are making my body mess with my mind.

I have now been injecting the Progesterone shots for about 10 days and I guess it's fully entrenched in my system. I have every single side effect those meds are supposed to cause.

(Oh and if you are guy - and I think only about 2 guys read this - but you may want to avert your eyes or this post altogether. It's a woman thing, you wouldn't understand. No offense.)

Cramping? Check

Headache? Check

Dizziness? Check

Food cravings? Check.

Pain/swelling at the injection site (ie: lumps in my ass)? Check, check.

Sore boobs? Check, check, check, check check.

Awesome.

The terrible thing about it is that some of these (especially the boob thing) are also indicators of pregnancy. Fantastic. I just keep telling myself not to get excited about these symptoms for a couple of reasons. Number 1, it's a little early. Number 2, with everything I have injected/swallowed/patched into my system the last 3-4 weeks, it's no wonder that my body is having a breakdown.

But of course my insomniac brain can't help but surf the internet at night scouring for details about how you are supposed to feel post embroyo transfer (especially for those people who had positive pregnancy tests). The symptom that is irritating me the most mentally is this weird, dull ache I have to the left of my belly button, higher than where cramps usually are, and it feels like my stomach is stretching or something.

So I ran that little symptom by my best friend "Google" and found that some women experience that when implantation occurs and the uterus starts to stretch and grow to accompany the embroyo(s).

That didn't make me lose my mind at all.

I have never been so in tune with how my body feels as I am now. I guess it's exciting because it could possibly mean that my body is preparing for the M&M's. Or it could just be a massive overload of Progesterone, Estrogen, and Raw Emotions.

Of course, I am very familiar with how your body can play tricks on you. "Back in the day" when Matt & I were naively trying to get pregnant, every month I was convinced I had some sort of pregnancy symptom. Thus at the height of our conception trying, I probably took 3-4 pregnancy tests every month. Of course, at that point we had no idea that it would take a miracle for us to get pregnant on our own - but man, I wish I had that cash back. With that, and the money I spent on birth control. I probably could have paid for the invitro process by now.

And if I was worried that this process was going too smoothly, then we finally hit our first bump in the road on Monday. Turns out I am allergic to my estrogen tablets, Estrace. Call me slow, but it took me a full 4 doses to realize that my throat swelling and the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest were probably not normal. Oh yeah, and I lost some feeling in my right hand and couldn't make lunch because I literally couldn't grip anything.

That's when I called the nurse - apparently my breaking point on allergic reactions is when I can no longer shovel food in my mouth.

4 Benadryls and a 2 hour comatose nap later, by Monday evening I was much better and I haven't had a problem since. And luckily, since I have been prescribed estrogen through 2 different sources (the pill & a patch that goes on my abdomen), then I can just slap an extra patch on to get the meds I "need". While I am convinced that it was indeed the pill that almost caused an afternoon trip to the ER, I almost want to make doubly sure. I am almost tempted to take another one at the end of the week to see if it happens again.

I know. Stupid, right? Well, it just so happens that those Estrace pills were incredibly expensive and it was the one med that my insurance didn't cover a large amount of for whatever reason. So before I toss it in the trash, I guess I want to be thoroughly convinced. I shouldn't be surprised though - I was expecting to have an allergic reaction to at least one of these bad boys considering my track record with meds. There is not even enough room on those Doctor information forms anymore for me to write down all my allergies. So add estrogen tablets to the list. I guess hormone replacement therapy is out of the question for me when I go through "The Change".

Anyway, all this useless babble to really let you know that we might possibly know something Friday. Maybe.

I kinda wish she hadn't told me that because now I am in countdown mode to Friday. She did make the clarification that if she didn't see anything on Friday then it certainly doesn't mean all is lost. Some babies are just more stubborn than others about showing up in momma's blood levels. And that will only be barely 8 days post transfer - so pretty early still. I'm just going to try my best not to lose my mind by then.

I am also going to do my darndest to stay away from the Women's Health aisle at Walgreens and throw 1 or 8 pregnancy tests in my basket. EPT has gotten enough of my money.

An M&M Update and Prayer Request

Well, we've learned one thing through this process.

I am not a good bed rest patient.

I know.

It was surprising to me, too.

I enjoy afternoon naps or really naps of any kind, so I thought 3 days in bed sounded like pure delightful bliss.

Not so much. Turns out, I am not a very patient patient.

Quite the opposite. I was ready to get moving after 4 hours of lying on my back. I think it was just the fact that I was being told I couldn't do anything for myself and that lack of independence was especially frustrating. And for me mentally, when all you can do is lay there and watch whatever craziness is happening on "The Real Housewives" or think about what just happened within your body - well, you think a lot.

And you wonder. Is this really going to happen or am I just wasting my time with all of this? It's very frustrating not to technically feel sick or anything and then just "be still". Yuck. My personan definition of insanity.

Anyway, I made it through the 3 days - kind of cheated on day 3 by taking a shower, but Lord, I just needed to for my own personal good. That made a world of difference on Saturday and after a couple of rough days Thursday and Friday, to laugh and smile again yesterday just felt really good.

Overall, I feel kinda yuck to be honest. I don't know if it is all of the hormones making their way into my system (those fantastic progesterone oil shots - which by the way, suck as much as anticipated. I literally cringe when the clock turns 8:30pm and it's time to mix yet another one.) or if it is emotional stress - or a combination. But I am just exhausted, yet unable to sleep well - crampy, bloated, and every other adjective that would go along with your typical PMS-type symptoms.

And to make my body even more of a chemistry experiment gone bad, today we had the ultimate excitement of introducing more estrogen back into my system through the form of a pill 3x daily and a patch on my abdomen that will be changed out every 4th day.

(I have had a lot of questions about the meds, so in case you were wondering why all of this stuff? Basically now, the progesterone shots and the estrogen are designed to maintain the pregnancy, should one happen. When a spontaneous pregnancy occurs, usually your body is smart enough to produce adequate levels of these. However, during IVF your body doesn't know that it just got preggers until much later (like week 10 or so), so you have to take these additional measures.)

I know I sound kind of bitter about these meds. I don't really mean to. We are willing to do anything to get the M&M's here. But the fact remains - no.fun.at.all. But it is what is.

Anyway, I promised some pics, so here we go...

Here are a few pics from transfer day:

May I present to you the two little M&M's (full blasts)....

The embroyos (5 day transfer). Beautiful, right? :)

Oh, the sexy ways to make a baby. With my lucky socks on. (I wore them for the retrieval and that went well, so I decided to break them out for the transfer too.)

Look at that hottie. They let Matt come in with me but he had to get all space-aged suited out.

Our transfer day on Thursday turned out to be an even more emotional one than expected when we found out the shocking news that Matt's mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Obviously, we are both devestated by this news but we are encouraged by Barbara's fortitude and positive outlook. We don't know yet what stage or really the complete treatment path yet. What we do know is that God is holding her in the palm of His Hand and that He will continue to give her strength and love on her during this tough time.

I tell you this news in the hopes that you will add Barbara to your prayer list. Please pray that the testing this week will show the cancer at an early, more treatable stage, pray for the wisdom and grace of the doctors, pray for our family and friend's hearts to rally around her at this time, and pray for Barbara, that she will have peace, conviction to fight, and the strength to overcome. We love you.

Matt and his mom, Barbara

In His Mighty Hands,

Preggers Until Proven Otherwise...

So that's what they told me I am - PUPO (Preggers Until Proven Otherwise). I am not much for fertility acronyms but I thought that one was funny.

Or maybe that was the Valium.

Anyway, I am home now in my bed, laying down typing which is proving to be quite a challenge.

So this post will be short. Here are the stats:

7 out of 9 made it.

2 made it to full, beautiful blasts and the 5 others were "good" and potentially "great" tomorrow.

Dr. H said he will probably freeze all of them tomorrow b/c they all looked that great.

Praise God.

So the big question? How many did we put in?

After all of the meds, procedures, surgeries, etc - we did TWO. That was my Dr.'s recommendation as well. 1 is kinda risky, even as pretty as they looked :)

Statistic wise, we are looking at a 25-30% chance of twinkies and 75-80% chance that at least one will make it.

In the back of my mind, I just keep thinking of that 20-25% chance the neither will take. It's a sobering thought. But I am going to stay positive.

All I know is this next 2 weeks will be the looonnnnggggessttt of our lives.

Please keep praying for the little M&M's now firmly implanted in utero. Love you all and I will write a more detailed post later with pics of our little beautiful babies :)

Pre-Petri Placement

So I had a long, drawn out blog to write (which I am quite sure you will all be subjected to before the bed rest period is over) but for now, I simply say thank you.

I say thank you to my friends and family who have supported us in this incredibly long journey. Your hearts and hands of friendship are unmatched.

I say thank you for the people who until recently I had not kept in touch with over the years and have been generous enough to share their infertility struggles with me. You all have provided invaluable advice and I am so glad to be in touch.

I say thank you to the "lurkers" (meaning that word in the nicest way possible, I promise!!) who check out my blog and pray alongside us all. Your prayers are being heard.

Words cannot even describe how blessed I feel for us to be so loved on.

Thank you to those who have lifted us up daily in your prayers. Prayers do work and God does listen. I am proof positive of that (my other blog is all on that - so I will leave that as is for now)

For now I leave you one of my faves:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

That is my little prayer for our little embroyos, Petris, M&Ms, whatever you want to call them - hopefully our children. Tomorrow we start the first stage in letting God give them that hope and and a future.

I will post tomorrow on the transfer with all the fun stats you guys are dying to read about I'm sure. Fascinating to me --- to you, probably not so much :) But they're coming anyway.ha

In His Hands,

The Great Egg Hunt, Part III

Really? There's a part III of the Great Egg Hunt?

Well, yeah, in my book there is. Even with all the reading up and edu-macation I received prior to the retrieval, I still had tons of questions for the doc. What a shocker.

And there might even be a part IV. I'm not sure when I am going to transfer (ha - no pun intended!) from my Egg Hunt posts to my Petri placement posts. hmmmm... maybe soon.

Back to asking questions: I am certain that he and his nurse will be quite relieved when I get preggers and stop peppering them daily with questions.

But I also figure I've kind of earned the right to ask questions seeing as how I didn't just write them a check for a $25 copay & they got a negligible payment from our insurance company that probably barely covered their time. Nope, they got straight up cash - and for that much cash, you are going to listen to my questions! ha.

They've been wonderful though -- I really can't complain. When I called this morning (at 8:03am - knowing full well they had just opened at 8am), my very favorite receptionist Barbara answered. She happened to be working the day of my retrieval at the other location & saw us go in, so when I called, she knew I had already had everything done. When I told her the news about the fertilization, I swear she almost started crying she was so happy. That made me start crying, of course. In a good way. It's funny to me to think that an almost perfect stranger would be that hopeful for us -- and that thrilled that (so far) everything is working out to plan. Certainly a blessing.

Anyway, finally spoke to my nurse and reviewed my schedule - confirmed my 5 day transfer and the meds to start prior to. I was saddened to hear about the new shots, even though I knew full and well they were coming - maybe I was hoping for a last minute twist in the med plan since everything was going so well? ha. no. Dream big, Meg.

So, I started my progesterone in oil shot tonight. In my ass. It's a fun one, folks. Not only because it's a super thick formula so it takes about 5 minutes to get it fully in (ok, not 5 minutes but it's a loooonggg shot - or maybe that was just Matt's incredible nursing skills - love you, honey!), but also because well, it hurts. You have to massage it to make sure it gets all the way in. My nurse recommended at least a 30 minute butt massage to ensure that my ass doesn't get all lumped up with this medicine.

And if that isn't an incredibly attractive scenario, I don't know what is.

And who has time to lie there for 30 minutes and get their butt kneaded? Well, I may have the time, but I have no desire and no patience for such a thing. About 10 minutes in, I just told Matt to rub vigorously for 5 more minutes and then he would be freed. That boy leapt up like a dart at 4 minutes 59 seconds, muttering something about carpal tunnel.

I think he was just as excited to wrap up the "massage" as I was.

Oh, but the most awesome part of the progestrone shots??? If this does work and I do get preggers - these bad boys will be shot up daily until like week 9 or 10.

Come on??? Well, day 1 down. Perhaps only 62 to go. Small sacrifices. This child is already giving me a lumpy ass. I am sure that is the first of many changes to my body if I get pregnant so we'll deal.

The other news of the day:

My clinic doesn't do embroyo reports. Meaning I don't get a call every day letting me know how our little guys & gals are developing, if they are at all. I guess this would have been something important for me to know beforehand, but I don't know if I was so focused on retrieval that anything after that seemed so secondary - so I never asked.

Every clinic is different. Some do, some don't. My doctor is a firm believer in letting them be and grow without any daily disturbance.

Think of it this way: they are kind of baking at the moment. If you keep opening the oven, then you are going to disrupt that optimal baking temp and your souffle may fall (Note: I've never made a souffle in my life - but I've never made a baby either so maybe it's a good comparison).

So if my doc wants to leave them alone, we'll leave them alone. No daily grade reports, rating levels or anything else on our little ones. I am taking this is as a positive.

First, I don't have to wait on pins & needles all day waiting for "the call". Cause that's all I did last week and this past weekend and emotionally, it's a killer.

Secondly, I figure once these kiddos pop out, they are going to be judged/graded/scored for the rest of their lives. We'll let them start their first few days of conception in relative peace and harmony of not facing judgment from the cruel outside world.

Anyway, we'll find out Thursday morning (soon enough) how they all did and how many "made it" so to speak and at what levels.

So this is how I see Thursday now in my warped mind...

I see it kind of as a Christmas present. I've found the box before Christmas. I know that it says Banana Republic on it. I like to shop at Banana Republic. But I won't know until I open that box if I like what I actually got from Banana Republic. It could be beautiful and awe-inspiring. Or it could be last year's sock and sweater sale. Who knows.

I don't want to get my hopes up that we will have even 5 great ones. Even though deep in my heart I would love that. I know we only need 1 or 2 to make it work. But after all this, I really would like to have another shot at it just in case the pregnancy doesn't take so we don't have to start all over. But it's completely in God's hands.

And I leave you with this...I have a new "unfavorite" infertility statement that I have heard tossed around quite a bit as of late.

"It only takes one"

If one more person tells me that, I'm going to scream. I see the truth in that and I don't disagree. You're right. It only takes one. But going through all of this - you want more than ONE. Trust me.

Even the doctor on Saturday - when I asked him if he thought it sounded like I had enough eggs (statistically speaking), even he said, "well, it only takes one!". Chuckle chuckle.

No crap. It only takes one. It would have only taken one egg and one sperm for us to do this naturally and spontaneously. But that didn't work out for us too well.

And so ends my rant. I have consciously tried not to rant too much through this process because I know that most everyone is well-intentioned and their statements are certainly not meant to be hurtful or frustrating.

But when the doctor and nurse say it - well, I am just plain tired of hearing it!!! ha.

Thank you for allowing me to vent for a sec.

Y'all have a great Tuesday!

The Great Egg Hunt, Part II

Just got the call from the doctor.

Out of the 13, 10 were mature.

Out of those 10, NINE fertilized!

Day 5 Transfer set for Thursday morning.

Could not have asked for better news this morning based upon the reports yesterday.

One step at a time, but we are marching forward.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Hard to imagine that Matt and I may have our little babies laying in an incubator somewhere in a lab in H-town. Kind of blows my mind. Trying not to get too pumped up because I know statistically that not all of those are going to make it to be supermarket fresh Grade A's - but praying praying praying that at least a couple of them do.

Hurry up Thursday!

Love to you all.

The Great Egg Hunt '09, Part I

The Great Egg Hunt '09 commenced this morning @ 8am. I am exhausted and a little drugged up still, so I will make this relatively brief. After a semi freak-out last night and being completely stressed about the process (which prompted a 10pm call to my pastor for prayer), I woke up this morning completely at peace with the situation. Just totally gave it to God and it felt so good to turn over those reigns that I generally clutch onto way too tight.

This was probably the least anxious I have been about any procedure/surgery that I have ever had & what an amazing feeling! Both of my nurses were AWESOME and took amazing care of me, all while keeping the mood light. Couldn't have been better except the first nurse tried to start my IV and blew the vein causing some undue agony (but she was so sweet about it, so I wasn't upset at all) and she sent in her co-worker to get it started on my other hand. I do have to wonder why on earth does every hospital not do a little local when they start an IV like that?! I had that done a couple of times when I had prior surgeries and it made all the difference in the world!

(In other nurse news: Eleanor is outta there. I don't know many details - but I apparently was not the first or the last patient that experienced something similar. I generally never would wish unemployment on anyone, but she needs to be in a field where patients live's are not in her hands! The End. Bye bye Ellie.)

The only other thing that was slightly a bummer but turned out ok - my dr was actually on vacation. I think my nurse didn't want to tell me b/c she knows my tendency to freak out about little things. However, he left my case in the trusted hands of one of his colleagues & I found out yesterday so I had a chance to read up on him a little bit, ya know - just to make sure. Anyway, he was a honor undergrad student from Harvard and an honor med school grad from UT. Hook 'em. And he ended up being just as great - and quite funny, too.

Ok, so enough with the stories - they took me back, last thing I remember was saying, "Man, I am feeling that already" and it was zzzzzzzz time for Meg.

Woke up to find out very good news. 13 eggs retrieved as predicted. All looked healthy and most were of really good size, save for a couple that were on the slightly smaller end of the scale. But there were no "throwaways" as they call 'em and on first glance, appeared really really good.

So tomorrow we will get "the call" about how many have fertilized. I don't want to get my hopes up because I know anything can happen and perhaps none will fertilize. There is always that possibility. But deep in my heart, I am hoping and praying for at least 8-9 so we will have a good chance of several making it to blasts and maybe even having some to freeze just in case. But I know by talking to a lot of people that from 13, the numbers will just continue to drop and drop. That's just statistics of IVF.

Unless you are like my other friend who must be a superhero and after having a huge "Egg Hunt" had every swinging one of hers fertilize and was even able to freeze a large majority! That's pretty incredible but I know it is also rare. I have a little case of egg envy of her :) ha.

But all in all, God was great today. I was in quite a bit of pain earlier but am starting to feel better - and thank goodness b/c LSU vs Florida starts in less than an hour and I need to get my game face on. Suffice it to say that I won't be leaping about and yelling as is my normal gametime antics - but I will be conscious for it. I think actually Matt is sort of glad I am partially under the influence b/c I think I actually embarrass him most of the time with my rants. Blame it on genetics. I got the obnoxiousness from my Dad. Can't help it.

So anyway, we will wait for tomorrow and "the call" & I will give you guys an update. Thank you for your prayers. They are being heard. The complete and total peace I experienced today is the obvious example of that. Will you join me in praying tonight as our little embroyos come together to make hopefully what will be part of our future Clanahan fam?

Love & prayers to you all,

Bring on Petri!

Got "the call" this afternoon. We are ready to go lay some eggs - I mean, retrieve - Saturday at 8am. Honestly, I can't quite believe it all happened so fast. Apparently my ovaries really really liked Menopur, Ganirelix and Gonal-F because I am 2 days ahead of schedule. Who knew?

Well, my ovaries may have liked it, but the rest of my body hasn't been a huge fan. Especially the last 2 days. I feel pretty rotten to be honest. Lots of headaches, stomach aches and all sorts of other pleasant things. I get hungry, but then I am so bloated that I feel like I can't eat a ton. And when I can't eat, I get cranky! Just ask Matt.

I will say I feel pretty lucky though. All my doctor's appointments went so smoothly and everything looks GREAT. I haven't gained any weight yet like I had feared, nor did my skin break out like crazy. I did however, have an unsightly pooch pop up on my tummy last night after my last round of shots. It almost looks like a little pregger belly, which both makes me happy and messes with my mind cause I know it's just a whole lot of eggies in there and not an actual baby.

Hopefully soon there will be.

(Oh, and in case you were wondering - "Petri" is what we call the potential baby right now. It came from one goofy staff meeting where my boss was trying to understand what was going on and I told him that my baby was going to be made in a petri dish like a biology experiment and somehow we just coined the phrase "Petri". So, this morning at staff meeting, there was "Prayer for Petri". He is going to baptize that child and call him/her Petri, I just know it. It won't matter if we have the best, most super cool name - he will always be Petri in my pastor's heart.)

Tonight we trigger at 8:30pm sharp and Matt has the pleasure of giving me my first shot in the ass. I am sure he can't wait to get home and do that. He was shown last week how and where to do it so I think he feels prepared. Plus, he keeps grabbing my butt and when I ask why - he just says with this really innocent look on his face, "Just making sure I know where the shot needs to go. I don't want to forget."

Ummm yeah. He's just trying to cop a feel. I feel so cheap. ha.

So here are some stats. I don't understand them all but according to my doctor and nurse, they could not have been more pleased with the way the cycle progressed. Picture perfect or something.

My estrogen levels started at 37 (I don't know what measurement they use).

Today, they were at 2347.

I'm lucky I am not a huge puddle of tears on the floor right now.

Baseline ultrasound last Weds (9.30), I had b/w 8-9 follicles on my left and 9-10 on my right.

Today (10.8), I had 8 measurable on my right (5 big and 3 smaller) and 5 HUGE ones on my left. Honestly, I think the main reason they decided not to push it another day is b/c my left side is so big. They probably could have waited another day to give my right smaller ones time to pop up some more but then my left ones could have gotten too big. It's a balancing act. Is anyone surprised that I am unbalanced as usual? I'm not.

Emotional Stats:

Surprisingly, I have had very few meltdowns. I cried yesterday on my way to my doctor's appointment b/c a song came on KSBJ that just touched me. I received an email from an old friend just saying hi and I started crying at that. I found out that another childhood friend of mine had a baby recently - and that hers was an invitro miracle. So I cried again.

But other than that, pretty stable. No blow-outs to speak of with the hubby and I think he has been somewhat shocked that there have been less tears than anticipated. He stocked up on Kleenex this week just in case but alas, there has been no need.

I feel pretty good about Saturday. We've done the best we can. I gave my shots as I've been supposed to. I've been probed with a wand more times than I care to admit. I've taken my vitamins and folic acid. I've tried to take care of my body. I've just simply done my best.

Now, it's the doctor's turn. Time for him to do his job and make some babies.

And ultimately, it's God's turn - this is all in His trusty hands. I turn it all over to Him. Let His Will be done.

Thank you all for your prayers and sweet emails. Will update you after retrieval when we find out how many hatched and how many fertilized. Oh, in case you were wondering - I have requested a new charge nurse for Saturday :) See Eleanor.

In His mighty grip,

Matty Turns 30!!!

Please forgive me - there is an actual post underneath this - but I don't have the patience or the energy to put these pics in actual order. So just use your imagination :)

Matt with his Birthday "Tray" from Perry's Steakhouse. He did not leave behind a morsel.

Matt & I celebrating his 30th and my mom's XXth. :)

Mother and daughter

Blowing out the candles. I don't know why I felt inclined to help him with that one little flame.

Gig 'Em Ags! Our neighbor Ryan (former student '99) and friend Greg (former student '98)

Some of my girls! Our neighbor Kim, me, Kendra, and Nathalie

The spread. We thought we had a lot of food but we barely had leftovers!

Matt & I with the cake. That thing was h.e.a.v.y. It probably had 10lbs of fondant on it. But it sure was cute :)

Mommy & daughter again. She's so cute.


Couldn't resist picking up these plates. My mom actually gave me the napkins a couple of years ago and I have been waiting for the right occasion - and then I found the plates at Swoozies, my little party heaven on earth.

So in the midst of all the fertility "stuff", my wonderful husband turned the big 3-0!!! We usually don't make a big deal out of birthdays anymore --- usually just enjoy a nice dinner out and maybe an exchange of a gift or 2 (mostly clothes for both of us - and Matt usually does a heck of a job of picking out cute ones for me - go figure! But he plays it safe - Ann Taylor Loft or White House/Black Mkt - he knows it's hard to go wrong there!)

However, thirty is a BIG birthday - or I think so at least. Matt probably would have been happy enough with a steak dinner and a quiet night at home, but nooooo...I had other plans.

I have a newfound obsession with etsy.com and have bought many a baby gift on there recently. One sleepless night I was searching for invitations for Matt and decided to try my luck. And wouldn't you know - I found the perfect thing!

It's a stadium ticket down to every last detail - of course, I just had to track down a picture of Matt from his football playing days with the sweetest chili bowl haircut that you could sport as a freshman (circa 1993-94, I think?). Thank you, Emily, Rich, and Barbara for helping me with this!!! Sorry the scan is a little small - but you get the picture. (no pun intended)

Anyway, I found a woman who could make a cake like a champ and imitate the invitation perfectly. It tasted as good as it looked! So the whole theme was around football - which came in handy because we usually throw at least a couple of football watching parties each year. Selfishly, all I had to purchase were some plates and napkins and the rest of the stuff was ready to go.

The party was a success in my book. I felt crummy that whole day - but after a 2 hour nap was able to rally not only to route my Tigers onto victory but also socialize for a few hours.

Man, our parties certainly have changed. Not that we were ever big into partying, but we will call this a relatively tame party. Just good friends, good food, good times. We went through way more water and diet cokes than beer and vodka. That's a good thing because the days of hangovers are far behind us. And thank goodness my mother came in town to help out and celebrate with us - she was a lifesaver to me! And I think she had a pretty good time, too :) The woman has never met a stranger and I think became best friends with all of our friends at the party.

Speaking of birthdays, it was her birthday as well on that Friday the 2nd. It has become our tradition for Matt and Mommy to celebrate their birthdays together and it is so cute. I love spending time with both of them on their special days. The three of us went out for our "nice" dinner on Friday night and had a fabulous time as always - and much to my jealousy, were served incredible "Happy Birthday" dessert trays compliments of the chef. Mom and I kind of dabbled in hers but poor Matt ate every last bite. He still was full at 10am the next morning.

Pace yourself, baby - metabolism doesn't last forever! Or maybe for him it does. Because no matter what that kid, ummm I mean, "man" eats, it never shows. I find it disturbing and intriguing. And again, I am jealous.

Happy Birthday, babe! Hope you enjoyed everything. You deserved all of that and more. You are my heart and I can't wait to celebrate every single last birthday with you. Praying praying praying that the retrieval isn't on Saturday so you can enjoy a "guy's day" at the A&M vs Okie State game with Adam - far away from your hormonal and swollen wife. Love you!!!

An Unexpected Twist to Church Services

I passed out cold at church today. Awesome. For those who have weak stomachs, you may want to just move on from this post and go visit people.com or something. But apparently the meds are getting the best of me. I have been fighting migraines for a few days now ever since I started the meds. They seem to hit around 9am -10amish and last until 4:00ish and then I rally like a warrior.

This morning we had a new and unexpected twist. I woke up, felt great after having slept from about 11:00pm after the party until about 7:45. In fact, I was sleeping so soundly that my alarmed blared about 4x before Matt came in and told me to get up. Apparently I was having a dream that I was back working at hell.on.earth. (I mean, the bank) and my clients were trying to get in touch with me and my phone kept ringing and ringing and I was so agitated in my dream. Well, obviously that was the alarm.

Anyway, woke up, felt good, ate breakfast, walked to throw away the remnants and puked right in the sink. 5 times. No more breakfast.

After that, I felt decent, so I went to go shower for church and get ready - in the midst of my getting ready, I started feeling yucky and hungry so I ate some toast and all was ok except for a horrible pain on my left side (which now I attribute to swelling of my left ovary).

Got to church relatively on time. Actually got to sit with my husband for the first time in 6 months (he runs the projector and AV equipment during service, so I am usually a "church widow"). Last thing I remember is singing and closing my eyes to "Sweet sweet song", grabbing Matt's hand, and then apparently passed out cold to my left (where he was, thank goodness) - he caught most of the fall, but I still have a lovely lump on the back of my head.

Diagnosis per nurse: meds are now fully in my system. Known to cause nausea (duh!), headaches and the like. Combo little food in my system, to the concentration of meds, to the fact that the church AC was out - bam, Meagan out cold.

Feeling better now. Took a 4 hour nap & was able to keep down dinner. So far. Victory.

Now I am going to go inject myself again. She gave me the option if I felt like it to skip the meds tonight. Ummmm, no thanks. Let's get through this last 6 days or so (prayerfully) as quickly as possible. If I have to puke and pass out, then I am going to do it. No waiting. We have waited long enough.

Did I mention is was Matt's birthday today? On his birthday, he had to hoist his wife and carry me out of church, probably with my granny panties hanging out my jeans - spend the day making sure I was ok. Me...Wife of the Year award, seriously.

Although I think I slightly redeemed myself with his favorite meatloaf and mashed potato dinner. Hopefully.

Happy 30th Birthday, baby. Hopefully, we can make you a Daddy at 30.

In His Hands,

In a funk...

I've been sitting here at my computer incessantly checking email and facebook status updates and going to the occasional foray to the "dark side" (ie: people.com) trying to decide if I was actually going to write this post.

My hesitations?

I don't want to post every day and moan and groan about the cards that I have been dealt to me. It's not productive for me, it's not real entertaining to my readers - all 5 of them, and most importantly it's not incredibly condusive to growing deeper in my relationship with Christ with the whole "woe is me" thing.

But the fact remains.

This sucks.

I wouldn't choose it for anyone.

I am overwhelmed.

I know I can do it, that we can do it & that God is holding my hand the entire way - and that is only reason I am doing this.

What I wouldn't give sometimes to wave my magic wand, make this all go away, and one romantic night, turn down the lights, have some candles lit and turn to Matt and say "Let's make a baby". Isn't that how we all dream of it being?

Instead, I flip on the brightest lights I can see, measure out meds (which btw were injected correctly (I think) this evening), and poke myself while poor Matt is stuck on the sidelines. Not at all I had envisioned for the making of our first child. Far from it.

And there are no candles.

On 2nd thought - maybe I will break out the candles tomorrow night - throw a little ambience into the moment. hmmm not a bad idea --- see there's a bright side in there somewhere!!

Last week, I almost considered pulling the plug on these infertility blog posts for several reasons.

One being, does anyone really want to read my stupid stories on double injections? (although a couple of people were quite entertained by that apparently).

What purpose is this serving? What if it doesn't work and then I have to tell my bloggy world, lurkers and all, that no, it didn't work - is it going to make it more difficult to deal with?

But here's the bottom line: ever since I began posting and talking about my infertility battle, God has brought so many people into my life who have since shared their struggles with me. And these are people I know from the "real world" - who have been so gracious to share their stories with me, lend their support, and their advice with me. Without blogging and being open, I never would have known and would have felt even more alone.

And talking it out - well, I am just a talker about this sort of stuff. That's just me. And my writing is an extension of that. So selfishly this is an extension of all of those feelings and it has been incredibly cathartic for me personally, even if no one read it at all.

So I will continue posting. Not every day. But this is a journey and I want to document it, the good stuff, the bad stuff and the just plain ugly. It's a part of Matt and I's story and this is how I choose to share it.

Plus I figure, if it works and we have an onry 13 year old teenage girl who's giving me and her Daddy fits, I will direct her to this blog ---- and show her --- this is how much Mommy & Daddy wanted you. We loved you even when you were just injections in the belly. This was all for you.

And if that isn't an impactful guilt trip for a 13 year old, then I don't know what is ;)