10.01.2009

In a funk...

I've been sitting here at my computer incessantly checking email and facebook status updates and going to the occasional foray to the "dark side" (ie: people.com) trying to decide if I was actually going to write this post.

My hesitations?

I don't want to post every day and moan and groan about the cards that I have been dealt to me. It's not productive for me, it's not real entertaining to my readers - all 5 of them, and most importantly it's not incredibly condusive to growing deeper in my relationship with Christ with the whole "woe is me" thing.

But the fact remains.

This sucks.

I wouldn't choose it for anyone.

I am overwhelmed.

I know I can do it, that we can do it & that God is holding my hand the entire way - and that is only reason I am doing this.

What I wouldn't give sometimes to wave my magic wand, make this all go away, and one romantic night, turn down the lights, have some candles lit and turn to Matt and say "Let's make a baby". Isn't that how we all dream of it being?

Instead, I flip on the brightest lights I can see, measure out meds (which btw were injected correctly (I think) this evening), and poke myself while poor Matt is stuck on the sidelines. Not at all I had envisioned for the making of our first child. Far from it.

And there are no candles.

On 2nd thought - maybe I will break out the candles tomorrow night - throw a little ambience into the moment. hmmm not a bad idea --- see there's a bright side in there somewhere!!

Last week, I almost considered pulling the plug on these infertility blog posts for several reasons.

One being, does anyone really want to read my stupid stories on double injections? (although a couple of people were quite entertained by that apparently).

What purpose is this serving? What if it doesn't work and then I have to tell my bloggy world, lurkers and all, that no, it didn't work - is it going to make it more difficult to deal with?

But here's the bottom line: ever since I began posting and talking about my infertility battle, God has brought so many people into my life who have since shared their struggles with me. And these are people I know from the "real world" - who have been so gracious to share their stories with me, lend their support, and their advice with me. Without blogging and being open, I never would have known and would have felt even more alone.

And talking it out - well, I am just a talker about this sort of stuff. That's just me. And my writing is an extension of that. So selfishly this is an extension of all of those feelings and it has been incredibly cathartic for me personally, even if no one read it at all.

So I will continue posting. Not every day. But this is a journey and I want to document it, the good stuff, the bad stuff and the just plain ugly. It's a part of Matt and I's story and this is how I choose to share it.

Plus I figure, if it works and we have an onry 13 year old teenage girl who's giving me and her Daddy fits, I will direct her to this blog ---- and show her --- this is how much Mommy & Daddy wanted you. We loved you even when you were just injections in the belly. This was all for you.

And if that isn't an impactful guilt trip for a 13 year old, then I don't know what is ;)

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4 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh sweetie - I so wish that you could just say to Matt 'lets go have a baby'. But just because a baby may get in your belly a little different it makes it that much more special. A special gift from God. Hang in there. Great to talk today even if it were only for a few minutes. love you and thinking of you.

lewis1 said...

Meagan, If I was not counted among your 5 readers, you need to add one more! Since I learned of your adventure, I think of you and Matt often and continue to track your blog. I so hope you will have your much desired success with your "fertility sticks", but I also pray you will be in the big, fat middle of God's desires for you. Hopefully and prayerfully, they will be one and the same!! Love you . . . Hugs!

lewis1 said...

Meagan, If I was not counted among your 5 readers, you need to add one more! Since I learned of your adventure, I think of you and Matt often and continue to track your blog. I so hope you will have your much desired success with your "fertility sticks", but I also pray you will be in the big, fat middle of God's desires for you. Hopefully and prayerfully, they will be one and the same!! Love you . . . Hugs!

H said...

keep writing!! it's cathartic. thank you for being so authentic and open. prayers to you.